Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Hell No, We Won't Go

Here we are again: another day, another Bush inauguration. If you're like us here at The Wake, you're probably wondering how to go about protesting the Almighty's decision to reappoint George W. Bush as the leader of the free world. Some will literally be turning their backs on the President as he marches his way to his giant, jewel-encrusted throne in Washington Palace. Others will be carrying black coffins*. Others still will begin a strict four-year regiment of heavy-drinking, the most dedicated among us settling on some combination of the three. We however, have never really been the type to "do" "things" or "stuff." Instead, we will probably stay at "home," eating "snacks."

Because of our laziness, and world famous love of snacks, we decided it best to use our apathy to our advantage. If anything, a grandiose display of of hatred should only prove to fuel his evil. After all, if he's making so damn many liberals so damn angry so much of the damn time, he has to be doing some damn thing right.

So how can we reconcile our intense desire to protest with our burning fear of overexerting ourselves?

The Wake's ragtag team of political scientists have been rolling out of bed at the crack of 3:15 PM every morning on-and-off for the past two months in order to solve that exact question. After hours of research and suprisingly few coffee breaks, our team has returned from Liberal Agenda Labs, headquartered in Burlington, Vermont, with the latest in Apathetic Protest Technology**. If you'd like to protest tommorrow***, but don't really**** want to***** leave****** the house*******, why not try one of the following options********?

--Build a pyramid of naked gingerbread prison, send to right-wing friends. The quickest way to a affect man's morality-based political idealogy is through his stomach.

--Boycott all albums by British post-grunge band Bush.

--Urinate on neighbor's shrubbery. If you should be arrested, loudly suggest that you are a political prisoner. Sit back, and wait for the t-shirt sales to roll in.

--Shave pubic hair.

--Rent 'Passion of the Christ' on video. Fast forward to the middle. Be unkind, do not rewind. Consider the power fought.

--Go the whole day with out uteer any words that contain the letters 'w,' 'r,' 't' or 'x,' 'g' 'o' or 'p.'

--Purchase a flag. Do not display. Repeat step two as often as needed.

--Break out copy of Van Halen's 1984. Suggest parallels between David Lee Roth's distopian vision of the future, and the current political climate under George W. Bush.

*Note: No word yet on the possiblity of of conceled stakes and garlic, should any elder GOP Senators be on hand.
**Note: APT.
***Note: IYLTPT.
*****Note: BDR.
******Note: L.
*******Note: Save for a world-famous snack run or two.
********Note: One should prove more than enough of course, I mean were not fucking Superman here.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

The Con in Economy

Now presenting the world's shortest and most frustrating Q and A session, brought to you by the Associated Press's Allan 'Grand Slam' Fram:

Q: If last year's deficit set a record, it had to be worse than the previous year's shortfall. Doesn't that mean Bush lost ground trying to reach his goal?

A: Last year's deficit was $35 billion worse than in 2003. Yet administration officials say they made big progress toward reaching their target.

That's because White House budget chief Joshua Bolten defined their starting point as the $521 billion deficit for 2004 that the administration projected a year ago.

I'm not sure who coined the phrase 'you have to spend money to make money,' but odds are it was someone who looked and sounded a lot like Dick Cheney, which pretty much rules out everyone other than an older, balder Vlad the Impaler, and various villians from the Star Wars galaxy.

Beyond this theory, it's pretty tough to see where the administration is going with this one. After racking out candy-rotted brains for a good four hours, we at The Wake have come up with only three alternative economic models, those being:

A. The Running Start model


B. The Let's-Drive-the-Value-of-the-Dollar-Down-So-Low-That-it-Will-Be-a-Lot-Easier-to-Pay-Back model

Model 'C' involves Jesus and a few handfuls of magic beans.

The most likely answer, however is that this whole crazy 'Lowering the Deficit' thing is little more than another case of Bushwelian doublespeak like the 'Clear Skies Act,' 'No Child Left Behind' and 'Spreading Democracy.' Good thing, too, because reducing debt is just what the terrorists want. We must be unwavering and steadfast--quick, someone pick up a few of those Haliburton toilet seats!

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

From the People Who Brought You Kilts

Spurred on by attacks from local punks, hooligans, rable rousers and damn kids, accusing their sport of being "totally gay," the owners of Druid Hills, a golfing country club in Atlanta, Georgia have refused to grant spousal benefits to homosexual members, despite city orders, and the progressive connotations of a Southern country club named after an ancient European religious sect, leaving the club's black caddies and Mexican kitchen workers upset and confused at how such a forward-thinking organization could possibly discriminate against its members.

Besides being the home to many golfing enthusiats, Atlanta, Georgia is also the home to the largest homosexual population in the American South, making references to 'putters' and 'holes' in one both prevelant and generally confusing.

Club owners have filed a lawsuit against the city, practicing their American freedom to attempt to supress the freedom of others. In related news, club owners have recently stopped marking the course's holes as part of their 'God Hates Flags' campaign.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Smitefest 2005!

"It was traumatic, but how wonderful it was he died in his own church among the people he loved the most."

Let’s just consider this situation a slightly-morbid question on some YM morality quiz*. Answer one way, and you’re one step further toward landing yourself a one way ticket to heaven, should you luck out and have stumbled upon the right religion, that being the religious right. Pick the other, and you can revel in the knowledge that your progressive, forward-thinking mind has made you a better person than the mindless drones, and though, unless that obscure British ‘Clapton is God’ graffiti proves correct, you’re pretty much screwed, and doomed to listen to “Tears in Heaven” for eternity in the sulfurous pits of rock and roll hell. A win-win situation, really.

What Happened: Yesterday Jack Arnold, a 69 year old Florida minister died mid-preach, uttering the words, “and when I go to heaven—,“ becoming the first person on record in Florida to have died of complications from hyperbole, earning Arnold’s family a massive payoff, the preacher having recently purchased a life insurance policy that covered death by tropes, his father having recently died from a bad case of the similes.

Witnesses say his cries of, “dear mother of God,” went unattended, the congregation opting for an ill-advised round of ‘amens,’ instead of the more widely accepted CPR. Don't ever let anyone tell you that the lord doesn't work in ironic ways.

In related smiting news, God flooded Ohio, proving that, despite recent, conservative claims to the contrary, Christians are not waterproof.

All the while, a group of Buddhists in British Columbia sold their temple to benefit tsunami victims, raking in $405,000's worth of instant karma. A nice gesture sure, but they're Buddhist and Canadian. What do they need God for anyway?

*Note: Whether such a thing actually exists is beyond me. From my limited understanding of the magazine (i.e. what I read in the bathroom that I shared with my older sister when I was fifteen, had a stomach ache, and ran out of Spawn comics, coupled with what I’ve imagined, speculated and flat-out fabricated) the magazine is comprised of articles on such topics as slumber parties, tickle fights and recipes for cake, leaving little if any room for so-called morality quizzes, which, in all probability, are more the territory of Sassy anyway.

Friday, January 07, 2005

The US of Okay

Now that the 2004, that hellish mistress of pain is finally a week behind us, it’s time to take a reflective look at ourselves, as a nation, in order to see how we are doing, and how we might improve our collective selves this coming year. For this moment of self-critique, let us take a lot not at the hearings of torture enthusiast and soon-to-be chief law enforcer, Alberto Gonzales, nor at the senate who are busy calling each other names, and accusing one another of going to see Michael Moore movies. Rather, let us take a moment to consult that most-relevant of cultural signposts*, the Yahoo! image search, which is essentially like the Google image search, only for people who are afraid of things that rhyme with noodle kugel.

Today’s most popular image searches are:

1. Hilary Duff
2. Tsunamis
3. Usher
4. Ashlee Simpson
5. Flowers
6. Puppies

You know something? We may get a lot of flack from other nations for entering an unjust war, torturing detainees, polluting the environment, instituting unjust, semi-fascist laws in our own system, putting corporations above our citizens and not providing aid to countries in need, but I think we’re doing alright. Kudos to you America, with your reds, whites and blues, your Hillary Duff stickers on backs of sports utility vehicles, your flowers and your puppies. As Bob Marley, a foreigner and a minority once put it, “the gunman is in the house tonight, but everything’s gonna be alright.”

Everything will be all right, America. Keep searching for images, because it was Usher, an American who once said proudly, “yeah.”

*Note: Which also happens to be my computer’s home page coincidentally, a fact which, I suppose, puts me high in the running for the web’s laziest pundit, an award which I will gladly accept, just so long as it helps erase from society’s collective consciousness, the ‘World’s Biggest Asshole’ prize I was awarded by an ex-girlfriend some years back, a task that no amount of ‘World’s Greatest Fisherman’ hats have been able to accomplish.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Getting Back to the Fundamentals

Western nations and radical Islamic groups are finally working side by side in an effort to defeat God’s Old Testament-style attempts to finally wipe mankind off the face of the earth, after so many years of war, destruction, pollution, murder and country music. Laskar Mujahidin, a radical Indonesia anti-American organization* is rolling up its shirt sleeves**, and pitching in to aid disaster victims.

The Laskar Mujag relief effort will be two-prong. The first part will involve the distribution of medical supplies and the food, while the second will focus on combating the influence of ‘American Infidels.’ Molly Johnson, former lead singer of 90s alternative-pop band insists that she did not realize that band had a following in Indonesia, adding solemnly, “we’re Canadian.”

*Note: But hell, who isn’t a radical anti-American organization these days? Ever since the Boy Scouts of America started issue their ‘Overthrowing the Exploitative Capitalist Empire’ merit-badge, it’s hard to know who to trust. Hell, I know I have to think twice these days before buying a box of ‘Thin Mints.’*Note: Figuratively, or course.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005


From the Just in Case We Haven't Been Quoting the AP Enough Department

On Bush's Second-Term Inauguration:

The inaugural ceremony will include performances by the U.S. Naval Academy Glee Club, the U.S. Marine Band and mezzo soprano Denyce Graves.

Guy Hovis, a vocalist from Tupelo, Miss., who performed on the Lawrence Welk show, will sing, "Let the Eagles Soar," a song written by Attorney General John Ashcroft.

In case anyone harbored any doubts that the former Attorney General would hit the ground running, I think it’s safe to say that the eagle has landed. Guy Hovis, close friend of musician-turned-senator Trent Lott, and long-standing symbol of popular American culture among those citizens who lamented Artie Shaw’ by suggesting that the artist was robbed of life with many productive years ahead of him, will be covering John Ashcroft’s stirring pro-America reinterpretation of 70s rock icon Steve Miller’s “Fly Like An Eagle.”

Promotional singles will be released in the coming week to help promote the upcoming inauguration, featuring a Fat Boy Slim remix sure to be a big hit at Young Republican fundraisers, and Philadelphia Eagles tailgate parties. Warner Brothers has also expressed interest in picking up the song for use in their upcoming bio-pic about rocker Don Henley.

Just in case the lineup itself isn’t strong to convince you to tune into the festivities, take a look at this Lawrence Welk Drinking Game. At present, the game only includes two references to Mr. Hovis. Might I suggest spicing up the game by drinking heavily every time Mr. Hovis makes references to ‘eagles,’ ‘soaring’ and ‘eagles soaring.’ Take two shots for every reference to ‘social security,’ ‘Iraq’ and ‘tsunamis.’ If Bush suggests bi-partisan efforts, and ‘reaching across the aisle,’ swear angrily at the television, shake your head and take a shot. Each time you feel compelled to vomit as a result of some factor independent of the alcohol, have a shot. Each time to feel compelled to say, ‘I need a drink,’ take a drink. When Bush admits a mistake from his previous term, feel free to stop drinking.