Hell No, We Won't Go
Here we are again: another day, another Bush inauguration. If you're like us here at The Wake, you're probably wondering how to go about protesting the Almighty's decision to reappoint George W. Bush as the leader of the free world. Some will literally be turning their backs on the President as he marches his way to his giant, jewel-encrusted throne in Washington Palace. Others will be carrying black coffins*. Others still will begin a strict four-year regiment of heavy-drinking, the most dedicated among us settling on some combination of the three. We however, have never really been the type to "do" "things" or "stuff." Instead, we will probably stay at "home," eating "snacks."
Because of our laziness, and world famous love of snacks, we decided it best to use our apathy to our advantage. If anything, a grandiose display of of hatred should only prove to fuel his evil. After all, if he's making so damn many liberals so damn angry so much of the damn time, he has to be doing some damn thing right.
So how can we reconcile our intense desire to protest with our burning fear of overexerting ourselves?
The Wake's ragtag team of political scientists have been rolling out of bed at the crack of 3:15 PM every morning on-and-off for the past two months in order to solve that exact question. After hours of research and suprisingly few coffee breaks, our team has returned from Liberal Agenda Labs, headquartered in Burlington, Vermont, with the latest in Apathetic Protest Technology**. If you'd like to protest tommorrow***, but don't really**** want to***** leave****** the house*******, why not try one of the following options********?
--Build a pyramid of naked gingerbread prison, send to right-wing friends. The quickest way to a affect man's morality-based political idealogy is through his stomach.
--Boycott all albums by British post-grunge band Bush.
--Urinate on neighbor's shrubbery. If you should be arrested, loudly suggest that you are a political prisoner. Sit back, and wait for the t-shirt sales to roll in.
--Shave pubic hair.
--Rent 'Passion of the Christ' on video. Fast forward to the middle. Be unkind, do not rewind. Consider the power fought.
--Go the whole day with out uteer any words that contain the letters 'w,' 'r,' 't' or 'x,' 'g' 'o' or 'p.'
--Purchase a flag. Do not display. Repeat step two as often as needed.
--Break out copy of Van Halen's 1984. Suggest parallels between David Lee Roth's distopian vision of the future, and the current political climate under George W. Bush.
*Note: No word yet on the possiblity of of conceled stakes and garlic, should any elder GOP Senators be on hand.
*******Note: Save for a world-famous snack run or two.
********Note: One should prove more than enough of course, I mean were not fucking Superman here.