The Wake

Hell No, We Won't Go

2005-01-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

Here we are again: another day, another Bush inauguration. If you're like us here at The Wake, you're probably wondering how to go about protesting the Almighty's decision to reappoint George W. Bush as the leader of the free world. Some will literally be turning their backs on the President as he marches his way to his giant, jewel-encrusted throne in Washington Palace. Others will be carrying black coffins*. Others still will begin a strict four-year regiment of heavy-drinking, the most dedicated among us settling on some combination of the three. We however, have never really been the type to "do" "things" or "stuff." Instead, we will probably stay at "home," eating "snacks."

Because of our laziness, and world famous love of snacks, we decided it best to use our apathy to our advantage. If anything, a grandiose display of of hatred should only prove to fuel his evil. After all, if he's making so damn many liberals so damn angry so much of the damn time, he has to be doing some damn thing right.

So how can we reconcile our intense desire to protest with our burning fear of overexerting ourselves?

The Wake's ragtag team of political scientists have been rolling out of bed at the crack of 3:15 PM every morning on-and-off for the past two months in order to solve that exact question. After hours of research and suprisingly few coffee breaks, our team has returned from Liberal Agenda Labs, headquartered in Burlington, Vermont, with the latest in Apathetic Protest Technology**. If you'd like to protest tommorrow***, but don't really**** want to***** leave****** the house*******, why not try one of the following options********?

--Build a pyramid of naked gingerbread prison, send to right-wing friends. The quickest way to a affect man's morality-based political idealogy is through his stomach.

--Boycott all albums by British post-grunge band Bush.

--Urinate on neighbor's shrubbery. If you should be arrested, loudly suggest that you are a political prisoner. Sit back, and wait for the t-shirt sales to roll in.

--Shave pubic hair.

--Rent 'Passion of the Christ' on video. Fast forward to the middle. Be unkind, do not rewind. Consider the power fought.

--Go the whole day with out uteer any words that contain the letters 'w,' 'r,' 't' or 'x,' 'g' 'o' or 'p.'

--Purchase a flag. Do not display. Repeat step two as often as needed.

--Break out copy of Van Halen's 1984. Suggest parallels between David Lee Roth's distopian vision of the future, and the current political climate under George W. Bush.

*Note: No word yet on the possiblity of of conceled stakes and garlic, should any elder GOP Senators be on hand.
**Note: APT.
***Note: IYLTPT.
*****Note: BDR.
******Note: L.
*******Note: Save for a world-famous snack run or two.
********Note: One should prove more than enough of course, I mean were not fucking Superman here.

The Con in Economy

2005-01-13T19:24:00.000-08:00

Now presenting the world's shortest and most frustrating Q and A session, brought to you by the Associated Press's Allan 'Grand Slam' Fram:

Q: If last year's deficit set a record, it had to be worse than the previous year's shortfall. Doesn't that mean Bush lost ground trying to reach his goal?

A: Last year's deficit was $35 billion worse than in 2003. Yet administration officials say they made big progress toward reaching their target.

That's because White House budget chief Joshua Bolten defined their starting point as the $521 billion deficit for 2004 that the administration projected a year ago.

I'm not sure who coined the phrase 'you have to spend money to make money,' but odds are it was someone who looked and sounded a lot like Dick Cheney, which pretty much rules out everyone other than an older, balder Vlad the Impaler, and various villians from the Star Wars galaxy.

Beyond this theory, it's pretty tough to see where the administration is going with this one. After racking out candy-rotted brains for a good four hours, we at The Wake have come up with only three alternative economic models, those being:

A. The Running Start model

and

B. The Let's-Drive-the-Value-of-the-Dollar-Down-So-Low-That-it-Will-Be-a-Lot-Easier-to-Pay-Back model

Model 'C' involves Jesus and a few handfuls of magic beans.

The most likely answer, however is that this whole crazy 'Lowering the Deficit' thing is little more than another case of Bushwelian doublespeak like the 'Clear Skies Act,' 'No Child Left Behind' and 'Spreading Democracy.' Good thing, too, because reducing debt is just what the terrorists want. We must be unwavering and steadfast--quick, someone pick up a few of those Haliburton toilet seats!

From the People Who Brought You Kilts

2005-01-12T18:28:00.000-08:00

Spurred on by attacks from local punks, hooligans, rable rousers and damn kids, accusing their sport of being "totally gay," the owners of Druid Hills, a golfing country club in Atlanta, Georgia have refused to grant spousal benefits to homosexual members, despite city orders, and the progressive connotations of a Southern country club named after an ancient European religious sect, leaving the club's black caddies and Mexican kitchen workers upset and confused at how such a forward-thinking organization could possibly discriminate against its members.

Besides being the home to many golfing enthusiats, Atlanta, Georgia is also the home to the largest homosexual population in the American South, making references to 'putters' and 'holes' in one both prevelant and generally confusing.

Club owners have filed a lawsuit against the city, practicing their American freedom to attempt to supress the freedom of others. In related news, club owners have recently stopped marking the course's holes as part of their 'God Hates Flags' campaign.

Smitefest 2005!

2005-01-11T15:12:00.000-08:00

"It was traumatic, but how wonderful it was he died in his own church among the people he loved the most."

Let’s just consider this situation a slightly-morbid question on some YM morality quiz*. Answer one way, and you’re one step further toward landing yourself a one way ticket to heaven, should you luck out and have stumbled upon the right religion, that being the religious right. Pick the other, and you can revel in the knowledge that your progressive, forward-thinking mind has made you a better person than the mindless drones, and though, unless that obscure British ‘Clapton is God’ graffiti proves correct, you’re pretty much screwed, and doomed to listen to “Tears in Heaven” for eternity in the sulfurous pits of rock and roll hell. A win-win situation, really.

What Happened: Yesterday Jack Arnold, a 69 year old Florida minister died mid-preach, uttering the words, “and when I go to heaven—,“ becoming the first person on record in Florida to have died of complications from hyperbole, earning Arnold’s family a massive payoff, the preacher having recently purchased a life insurance policy that covered death by tropes, his father having recently died from a bad case of the similes.

Witnesses say his cries of, “dear mother of God,” went unattended, the congregation opting for an ill-advised round of ‘amens,’ instead of the more widely accepted CPR. Don't ever let anyone tell you that the lord doesn't work in ironic ways.

In related smiting news, God flooded Ohio, proving that, despite recent, conservative claims to the contrary, Christians are not waterproof.

All the while, a group of Buddhists in British Columbia sold their temple to benefit tsunami victims, raking in $405,000's worth of instant karma. A nice gesture sure, but they're Buddhist and Canadian. What do they need God for anyway?

*Note: Whether such a thing actually exists is beyond me. From my limited understanding of the magazine (i.e. what I read in the bathroom that I shared with my older sister when I was fifteen, had a stomach ache, and ran out of Spawn comics, coupled with what I’ve imagined, speculated and flat-out fabricated) the magazine is comprised of articles on such topics as slumber parties, tickle fights and recipes for cake, leaving little if any room for so-called morality quizzes, which, in all probability, are more the territory of Sassy anyway.

The US of Okay

2005-01-07T10:04:00.000-08:00

Now that the 2004, that hellish mistress of pain is finally a week behind us, it’s time to take a reflective look at ourselves, as a nation, in order to see how we are doing, and how we might improve our collective selves this coming year. For this moment of self-critique, let us take a lot not at the hearings of torture enthusiast and soon-to-be chief law enforcer, Alberto Gonzales, nor at the senate who are busy calling each other names, and accusing one another of going to see Michael Moore movies. Rather, let us take a moment to consult that most-relevant of cultural signposts*, the Yahoo! image search, which is essentially like the Google image search, only for people who are afraid of things that rhyme with noodle kugel.

Today’s most popular image searches are:

1. Hilary Duff
2. Tsunamis
3. Usher
4. Ashlee Simpson
5. Flowers
6. Puppies

You know something? We may get a lot of flack from other nations for entering an unjust war, torturing detainees, polluting the environment, instituting unjust, semi-fascist laws in our own system, putting corporations above our citizens and not providing aid to countries in need, but I think we’re doing alright. Kudos to you America, with your reds, whites and blues, your Hillary Duff stickers on backs of sports utility vehicles, your flowers and your puppies. As Bob Marley, a foreigner and a minority once put it, “the gunman is in the house tonight, but everything’s gonna be alright.”

Everything will be all right, America. Keep searching for images, because it was Usher, an American who once said proudly, “yeah.”

*Note: Which also happens to be my computer’s home page coincidentally, a fact which, I suppose, puts me high in the running for the web’s laziest pundit, an award which I will gladly accept, just so long as it helps erase from society’s collective consciousness, the ‘World’s Biggest Asshole’ prize I was awarded by an ex-girlfriend some years back, a task that no amount of ‘World’s Greatest Fisherman’ hats have been able to accomplish.

Getting Back to the Fundamentals

2005-01-06T11:09:00.000-08:00

Western nations and radical Islamic groups are finally working side by side in an effort to defeat God’s Old Testament-style attempts to finally wipe mankind off the face of the earth, after so many years of war, destruction, pollution, murder and country music. Laskar Mujahidin, a radical Indonesia anti-American organization* is rolling up its shirt sleeves**, and pitching in to aid disaster victims.

The Laskar Mujag relief effort will be two-prong. The first part will involve the distribution of medical supplies and the food, while the second will focus on combating the influence of ‘American Infidels.’ Molly Johnson, former lead singer of 90s alternative-pop band insists that she did not realize that band had a following in Indonesia, adding solemnly, “we’re Canadian.”

*Note: But hell, who isn’t a radical anti-American organization these days? Ever since the Boy Scouts of America started issue their ‘Overthrowing the Exploitative Capitalist Empire’ merit-badge, it’s hard to know who to trust. Hell, I know I have to think twice these days before buying a box of ‘Thin Mints.’*Note: Figuratively, or course.

Eaglecore

2005-01-05T13:28:00.000-08:00

From the Just in Case We Haven't Been Quoting the AP Enough Department

On Bush's Second-Term Inauguration:

The inaugural ceremony will include performances by the U.S. Naval Academy Glee Club, the U.S. Marine Band and mezzo soprano Denyce Graves.

Guy Hovis, a vocalist from Tupelo, Miss., who performed on the Lawrence Welk show, will sing, "Let the Eagles Soar," a song written by Attorney General John Ashcroft.

In case anyone harbored any doubts that the former Attorney General would hit the ground running, I think it’s safe to say that the eagle has landed. Guy Hovis, close friend of musician-turned-senator Trent Lott, and long-standing symbol of popular American culture among those citizens who lamented Artie Shaw’ by suggesting that the artist was robbed of life with many productive years ahead of him, will be covering John Ashcroft’s stirring pro-America reinterpretation of 70s rock icon Steve Miller’s “Fly Like An Eagle.”

Promotional singles will be released in the coming week to help promote the upcoming inauguration, featuring a Fat Boy Slim remix sure to be a big hit at Young Republican fundraisers, and Philadelphia Eagles tailgate parties. Warner Brothers has also expressed interest in picking up the song for use in their upcoming bio-pic about rocker Don Henley.

Just in case the lineup itself isn’t strong to convince you to tune into the festivities, take a look at this Lawrence Welk Drinking Game. At present, the game only includes two references to Mr. Hovis. Might I suggest spicing up the game by drinking heavily every time Mr. Hovis makes references to ‘eagles,’ ‘soaring’ and ‘eagles soaring.’ Take two shots for every reference to ‘social security,’ ‘Iraq’ and ‘tsunamis.’ If Bush suggests bi-partisan efforts, and ‘reaching across the aisle,’ swear angrily at the television, shake your head and take a shot. Each time you feel compelled to vomit as a result of some factor independent of the alcohol, have a shot. Each time to feel compelled to say, ‘I need a drink,’ take a drink. When Bush admits a mistake from his previous term, feel free to stop drinking.

Makin' Lemonade--Presidential Lemonade

2005-01-04T13:07:00.000-08:00

Now that the crisis in South Asia has been effectively resolved, thanks to the United States’* outpouring of aid, it’s time to start reaping the benefits! It looks like the person to get the most out of the tragedy, other than all of the folks who are suddenly finding themselves in the possession of pricey beachfront property, is our very own manchild President, George W. Bush. Bush has plenty to gain from the recent events, besides the well-publicized fact that he can only achieve orgasm when a thousands of innocents are brutally killed.

Firstly, there’s the numbers game, and how it pertains to the war in Iraq. Will Americas really care the next time a few dozen people die in a car bomb explosion in the green zone? Hell no. America citizens have witnessed television coverage of mass death first hand**, and once a human being is forced to watch cable news footage of an orphaned Indonesian child looking for her dead parents, how can he possibly be expected to fuss over a couple of dead Iraqis? In fact, American citizens should be commended for choosing to watch said footage, what with all of the entertainment choices available at their finger tips. Such actions are a valiant step on the path to full-scale caring. Lord knows that when Jesus went around committing all of his acts of goodwill, he didn’t have a TiVO to distract him.

The second part, as New York City ball-dropper and sometime Secretary of State Colin Powell put it, “as a result of our helicopter pilots being seen by the citizens of Indonesia helping them, that value system of ours will be reinforced.” Our aid may help the United States become slightly-less-hated in the rest of the world, and who knows, once residents of ravaged areas are done mourning their dead, and fighting for survival, they may take a few extra moments to make sure that their products bare the ‘Made in the USA’ label.

Looks like the President has the lord on his side after all.

And the Runner Up for the Evil Bastards Who Will Benefit From Tsunami-Related Destruction Award goes to:

Gangs selling post-tsunami orphans for slavery. Our judges had a tough time calling this one, but now that all the ballot are in, it seems that the President just barely edged out Asian gangs who are roaming storm-battered country sides, looking for parentless children to sell (story here). Don't let it get you down guys, you get 'em next year. For added effect, might I suggest an increase in smirking, hyperbole and the execution of retarded people?

*Note: Not the least bit stingy.
**Note: Or at least heard about it from a neighbor.

First Time's the Charm

2005-01-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

The United States of America has a well-groomed tradition of being clueless when it comes to how other nations regard our selves and our policies. The US has long been perceived to be a beacon of justice and hope by the US perceiving how we are perceived by other nations doing the perceiving, though, said perceived perceptions aside, it seems a safe bet that other countries are too busy chuckling to one another every time we attempt to sit at our throne, only to find that our ass has gotten much too fat for its seat, praying to themselves that the tryptophan kicks in before when get a chance to hit the button.

The false importance of self-perceived heroics holds for our democratic system. We’ve long been under the impression that it is our democratic system that inspires extreme admiration and hatred among outsiders. President Bush recently let it be known that it is this hatred of freedom that has compelled Iraqi insurgents to fight the armed democracy spreaders in their country who keep accidentally murdering women and children in order to spray the bullets of freedom into the torso of oppression.

What the world really admires, however, is not America’s democracy, a system in which* even the lowliest members** members of society are allowed to participate in the election of their lawmakers. It is instead the speed and finality with which we do so. Democratically electing a president is child’s play, as so many non-America nations*** have proven time and again.

What really impresses the world is the speed and finality with which we elect our leaders. According to the Associated Press, “Bush's re-election campaign responded Monday [to the challenges to the 2004 Ohio presidential election results] with its own court filing, saying the challenge resembled "a poorly drafted script for a late night conspiracy-theory movie."

Who can blame them? Any challenge to election results undermines the perceived efficiency of the nation that introduced the world to the assembly-line, McDonalds, the Flowbie, the Salad Shooter and crack. It would prove that we have concerns with quality control, which would make us no better than the Germans, the Swiss or Ralph Nader****.

Also in question is the fact that most of the challenges filed against election results contain references to the meddling of a one-armed man. Authorities have yet to reach former Georgia Senator Max Cleland for comment.

*Note: Theoretically
**Note: Non-felon white adults.
***Note: Esp. Eastern Europe’s all-child nation The Children’s Republic of Awesome whose national currency the mud pie is now on equally footing with the slipping American dollar.
****Note: Read: Lebanon.

Virtual Morality

2005-01-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

It’s a good thing so many of this nation’s voters sided with America’s moral party, otherwise who knows how many gay Communists would have dropped dead babies into the drinking water by now?

As 2004’s cocky sister 2005 finally gets her moment in the sun, what manner of changes can we expect from the Grand Old Party? Well, for starters, a push to detain suspected terrorists for life, a bold attempt that will no doubt save the tax payers a good deal of money, and judges a good deal of time that can be more efficiently spent building shrines to the Ten Commandments.

Republican lawmakers are also pushing to rewrite ethics laws, so that Tom ‘The Hammer’ Delay might be able to maintain his long standing ‘Too Legit to Quit’ status, proving once more (as if one needed more proof) that ethics have no place in a morality-based system.

Meanwhile, as the American government bravely attempts to redefine outdated concepts of morality, American celebrities still cling stubbornly to archaic concepts, donating money to aid victims of the south Asian tsunami, with Sandra Bullock donating $1 million, and rock-rap group Linkin’ Park raising $100,000, proving once again that just because a person makes one’s money harming mankind, it doesn’t mean they have to spend it the same way.

From here on out, we at The Wake will no longer refer to 1995 Sandra Bullock film While you Were Sleeping as While it Was Sucking, and will instead call it While I Was Snoring. We will however continue to refer the her 1996 vehicle A Time to Kill as A Time to Suck, because that's the kind of witty satire the public has come to expect from The Wake, and a guy’s gotta pay the bills.

On a related note, UN chief disaster relief coordinator Jan Egeland is expected to clarify his recent comment calling Linkin Park’s music ‘shitty.’ However, Egeland refuses to back down on his much publicized statement in which he referred to Bullock as ‘the girl next door.’

More Frugal Than Stingy, Really

2004-12-30T07:18:00.000-08:00

"We will prevail over this destruction," Bush said from his Texas ranch Wednesday.

When quotes like this sneak their way into AP stories, it’s a nice reminder that though an expensive liberal arts education was spent mostly in vain, it was not completely so, and though an understanding of archaic poetic tropes has done little to fix my broken radiator, soothe this painful urination* or ease my late night weeping sessions--hell, it hasn’t even done much to impress moody goth girls down at the old poetry house, the one real world application lit. professors promised**--it does come in handy when updating a poorly written 'political' blog that no one has ever heard of.

There’s just so much to unpack in this quote that it’s hard to know where to begin, so let us ask ourselves that eternal question: what would George do? The answer is as clear cut as the Healthy Forest Restoration Act: on the ranch, toward the far right of the sentence. Do you own a cable news network? Want to spice up Bush’s frequent addresses from the Mid-West Wing? How about a nice cavalry call sound effect, and a ‘Meanwhile Back at the Ranch’ graphic? Also helpful: any whip-crack effects that might be left over from the Clinton years.

When news about the disaster broke, there's a fairly good chance that Bush was busy milking a chicken.

Bush’s comment about our ‘prevail[ing] over this destruction,’ is assumed to be a response to the south Asian Tsunami, being that it was located inside of a story on the subject, though such a quote taken by itself could just as probably have been a response to Barney*** shitting on Laura’s new couch.

Assuming for a moment, for the benefit of Barney, that it is indeed a response to the tsunami, it suggests that, as usual, Bush is hip to some information that the rest of the world has yet to catch on to, perhaps gleaned from his spiritual adviser and former Secretary of Homeland Security, J.H. Christ. How does Bush know we will prevail? Well, the answer is quite simple. We, meaning us, meaning all who share whatever minute strain of commonality that binds George Walker Bush to five year-old Indonesian girl who lost both of her parents to massive tidal waves last weekend, are good, and the waves themselves are evil. Good always prevails over evil, so sayeth the Bible, various comic books and every sports movie ever made, ergo we will prevail****.

You see, tsunamis are like an insurgency of mass destruction who hate the residents of Southern Asia for their freedoms, and also may or may not have been involved in the Oil for Food program.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, while islanders are lazily consuming cocoanut milk for survival, the President is bravely warding off comments regarding the United States' stinginess in regards to relief efforts. Sure left-leaning outfits like The New York Times will giddly point out the fact that Bush’s second-term inauguration, which will humbly be ‘Celebrating Freedom, Honoring Service*****,’ comes with a $40 million dollar price tag, the most expensive inauguration in history, and about two and a half times the amount the United States has pledged to aid victims, but consider this for a moment: the tsunami has killed at least 114,000 people. Bush’s war has only managed to kill an estimated 98,000 Iraqi civilian deaths according to a recent John’s Hopkins study. The guy’s got plenty of way to go, and needs all the help he can get. So sayeth The Wake.

*Note: Just joking of course—it’s done plenty to soothe the old burning urethra. Nothing like a pathetic fallacy to making peeing okay again.
**Note: It’s times like those that I’m thankfully that I got that giant Ian Curtis tattoo on my chest. It’s always good to have back up, and though it may harm my chances at being buried in a Jewish cemetery, I plan to either die by a. having my chest ripped away from my body in some freak chest-removing accident down at the chest-removal plant or b. being buried alive to death by an avalanche, only to be thawed out by Eskimo scientists from the future.
***Note: Or the twins.
****Note:Those of you moral relativists out there will be quick to point out the fact that since a tsunami is an act of God, this line of logic concludes that God himself is evil. We here at The Wake do not approve of heresy, therefore we will not point it out, but will instead point out your theoretical pointing out.
*****Note: It seems safe to assume that it is the serving of cake and champagne to which they refer.

With 50% Less Taste.

2004-12-28T14:44:00.000-08:00

The Wake is back from hiatus, because the truth doesn't rest, though it does take an annual, non-denomination holiday so that it might fill its bell full of the bell-shaped foil-cover chocolate candy of justice.

It's a good thing that nothing happened in the world while we gone. Okay, there was one thing:

The Food and Drug administration okayed the study of ecstasy for use in cancer patients, which means that besides hogging all of the good reefer, selfish cancer sufferers will be bogarting e, a gateway to the legalization of glowsticks and floppy hats, and no doubt an ivitation to DJs to create all manner of less benign electronic subgenres. For the sake of the children*, we at The Wake demand the drug ecstasy be left where it belongs: in the hands of gown men and women with pacifiers, because when you truly think about it, who are the real victims?

Also, somebody mentioned something about a wave or something, and though it may seem a pointless news tidbit, being all the way on the other side of the world, the Assosiated Press has been kind enough to out the story into perspective, with their recent chilling piece Celebrities Among Victims of Tsunami, featuring a Czech supermodel in a wet t-shirt. Now that's what I call an act of God!

*Note: Malignant or otherwise...

Four Years and Seven Stores Ago...

2004-12-22T14:48:00.000-08:00

One more brick in the Conservative mandate wall. While trial lawyers like John Edwards were filing frivolous, corporation-bankrupting lawsuits against the manufacturers of products that habitually murdered children, more important defendents were going unheard, such as Jacqueline Duty, a senior at Lexington Kentucky's Russell High School, who was banned from her prom for wearing a Confederate Flag dress last May Day. She claimed the dress took her four years to design. It is still unclear whether she factored the slave labor involved into that final total, or how her classmates and the cousins that they brought as their dates feel about the incident.

I bring all of this up, because I have a soft spot in my heart for ms. Duty*, having been kicked out of my own Bar Mitzvah for sporting a yarlmuka with a swastika on it. What can I say, I was a big Sex Pistols fan. My biggest regret is that the congregation missed my grand finale, which involved my slicing my own chest with a broken bottle of Manischewitz.

Oi vey, indeed.

*Note And not just because her last name sounds like 'doody,' though she does get extra points for making me laugh every time that I say her name. Jacqueline Doody. Heh.

Seperation Between Church and Cake

2004-12-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

After two millenia of being fed to lions for sport, Christians are finally fighting back the best way they know how: by spelling out words in cake frosting. The Christian right, long persecuted by vast and totally-gay left wing conspiracies, are finally heeding that old adage: the best way to implement a uniform religious belief in a society is through its stomach. Washington state resident Julie West, armed with a couple of eggs, a tablespoon of flour and one of those big white things that you squeeze and the frosting comes out, is helping to blur the delicious, chocolate-flavored lines seperating church from state.

Last week, West presented her son's class with a cake that read: 'Happy Birthday Jesus.' One assumes her motive had something to do with the fact that she couldn't figure out how to spell 'Kwanzaa.' How she managed to fit 2,004 candles on the damn thing, well, God only knows.

For those planning on celebrating in a simlar fashion, we at The Wake suggest staying away from trick candles, because you know, he's the son of God and all--just focus on finding the perfect gift for the guy who has everything.

On a related note, The Wake will be taking a few days off in order plan the overthrow of the Christian majority and consume all things -nog. Happy Birthday Santa!

Times, New Roman*

2004-12-22T07:03:00.000-08:00

Can our decidedly un-collegiate electoral college fail us any more? The answer, as is so often the case with similar questions, is a resounding 'yup.' It turns out that everyone's favorite non-Kennedy Senator from the great state of Massachusetts, didn't even win New York State, that great, concrete-encrusted metropolitan Sodom-Gomorrah on the east coast.

It's frightening enough that 45% of California went to Camp Bush (who knew there were that many registered voters in Fresno?), it looks like Kerry's final showing in the empire state was a bit closer to zero, New York award its 31 votes to John L. Kerry, a candidate who ran solely on a pro-typo platform,quite the coup for a state home to so many of the nation's copyeditors, a demographic traditionally known to vote for grammatically correct candidates.

It's a bit of an odd typo, when one considers the fact that there are four keys seperating the two letters on a standard keyboard, though if you invert an 'F,' turn it upside down, and take away the lower bar, it does begin to look an awful lot like an 'L.' I think it's safe to say that if blame need be placed anywhere, it rests squarely on the shoulders of the Romans and their damn Latin language! Latin Pop was bad enough, but this is the final straw. Brothers, sisters, come join me in taking down this Roman Empire once and for all**!

*Note: With love to fellow Santa Cruzers Camper Van Beethoven.
**Note: Because of a precident set by yesterday's post, we must recommend the changing of Cesar salad to 'cobb salad.' Cobb salad will then be named 'tuna salad,' renaming tuna salad 'suna talad.' American comedian Sid Cesar will be renamed Sid Kaiser in honor of the wonderful and rich history of our close allies Germany, and c-section will be referred to simply as cections. All Latin will be translated into English and then into that most uncrackable of codes, pig Latin. Dinosaurs, for example, will be referred to as under-thay izards-lay. Stars of recent motion pictures Alexander and Troy will be shot, because you know, close enough...

Merry Fishmas

2004-12-21T15:39:00.000-08:00

Talk about Christmas miracles!

Thanks to pollution, the manmade gift that keeps on giving, a fish found in the Potomac--the river once referred to as 'The Nation's River' by George Washington, a man once referred to as 'The First President of the United States of America' by people once referred to as 'Historians' by themselves--was discovered growing eggs.

For those readers who aren't scientists, what this means is that evolution does indeed exist. Not does this prove that it exists, it proves that it is the result of mankind's divinity, a result of manifest destiny, which in turn is a result of God's will, ergo, God does exist, and as an early birthday present to himself, he stuck some eggs inside of a male fish as a protest against gay marriage, and, I don't know, probably abortion too.

Back Out of the USSR

2004-12-21T10:39:00.000-08:00

Good news! Turns out that Russia really is evil! That means that we can go back to calling Borsch 'Beet-Based Freedom Souplike Product,' and Vodka will once again be known by the far-snappier name 'American Happytime Vomit-Inducing Elixir.' Russian dressing shall henceforth be referred to as 'Not Russian Dressing,' and the 1963 Bond film From Russia With Love will now be known as The 1963 Bond Film.

Russia, who kept the cold war boiling for so many crazy decades, may soon been heading back to our ever-growing enemy list, despite a handful of years of ally status, the nation's attempt to lure us into a false confidence by allying with us during the second world war and Bush's well-documented boy-crush* on Russian President Valdimir 'The Impaler'Putin.

According to our friends at the Associated Press: "Both Washington and Moscow are having some second thoughts at the moment," said Rose Gottemoeller, a specialist on defense and nuclear issues in Russia and the other former Soviet states at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace. "They are trying to judge what the next four years can bring."

This may result in Russia's permenant removal from Bush's ever-dwindling 'Axis of Awesome' list, which given Russia's departure, would be wittled down to England, Papua New Guinea and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Experts are divided on whether the falling out is due to Putin's edging Russia toward a police state**, his recent involvement in the auctioning off part of the Yukos oil firm*** or rumors floating around world leaders' chatrooms involving the impregration of Vladimir 'Robbin and Lootin' Putin by Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin****.

Will Russia still recieve a White House Christmas Card? Will Bush accept Putin's baby as his own? What is the difference between Russian dressing and Thousand Island? Stay tuned to The Wake!

*Note: Though reporters have found 'GWB [Hearts] VP' carved into trees on White House grounds, no one can confirm whether the President's affection is directed at Vladimir 'Pooty Tang' Putin or Vice President Dick Cheney, yet another argument in favor of declassifying the Presidential composition books, as well as the on going question as to who rocks harder, Zeppelin or Skynyrd, though despite Bush's affection for Blaire, and John Bonham's kick ass drum-style, those close to the President are fairly sure they know which way he leans, having repeatedly demanded the inclusion of 'Freebird' lyrics on the official Presidential letterhead.
**Note: Nah.
***Note: Oil? Hmmmmm...
****Note: Gay Marriage, legalized marijuana and now this?!? Oh, Canada...

Buy the Horns

2004-12-20T09:35:00.000-08:00

At what price irony?

Well, the going rate on Wall Street for a nice piece on non-aware, self-critiquing post-modernity is around $5 million. Coincidentally, that is also the asking price of Wall Street's giant golden calf, America's long-standing financial symbol to blissful ignorance.

What does one get for $5 million? Well, not much, actually. Besides eternal infamy, and a joke in a Letterman monologue, it's slim pickings: a name on a plaque and a tax write-off. The Wake briefly considered purchase of the shiny heifer, until it was brought to our attention that after purchase, the beast will remain firmly in place. Whoever puts the money down doesn't even get to take home so much as one of the statue's giant, golden bull testicles**, which means that plans to craft the world's largest cow statue-based bong will once again have to be put on indefinite hiatus, and we will have to squander our millions on comic books and ironic t-shirts.

Someday you will be mine, giant cow bong. Someday.

*Note: Which isn't really that bad once you consider that a damn sandwich costs fifteen-friggin'-bucks in that part of Manhattan.
**Note: Indeed, the statue has two extremely large golden balls. In case the symbolism of a giant golden cow is lost on anyone, the statue can be hooked up to a change machine in order to spray passers-by with American currency.

Bush Goes Down on Intelligence Bill

2004-12-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

It's brief, semi-redemptive moments such as these that almost make you not-completely-un-glad that you* spend so many of your** waking hours wonking***. The headline reads a bit snarkily, not unlike this recent Undercover music headline, which announced to the entertainment world 'Elton John Goes Down With Throat Infection****.' The story in question? Look no further than the good old AP for 'Bush Signs Intelligence Overhaul Bill.'

One suspects the editors had to go over the headline a few times in order to find some wording that did not directly insult the man's legendary lack of intellectual curiosity. The original draft probably read something a bit more like: 'Bush Signs Intelligence Overhaul Bill Without Dropping Pen.' Of course the idea that the President didn't drop his pen is little more than speculation on my part. There is a fairly good chance that Bush did indeed drop his pen, in which case the story would have read 'Bush Signs Intelligence Overhaul Bill, Only Dropping Pen Once,' unless of course, as is also likely, Bush dropped his pen multiple times during the signing, which would have resulted in, 'Bush Overcomes Adversity, Slippery Pen In Order To Sign Intelligence Overhaul Bill,' or 'Bush Aide Signs Intelligence,' or, simply, 'Intelligence Overhauled.'

It should also be noted that the President recieved a bonus 200 points simply for spelling his name correctly, which later came in handy during the analogy portion of the bill, which hadn't really spent a lot of time study for.

Now all the President has to worry about is how he's going to explain that throat infection to Laura.

*Note: Read: I.
**Note: Read: my.
***Note: Read: wonking.
****Note: The Jury is still out as to whether it was an honest mistake, 'going down' means something entirely different in the Down Under, or a bored music report just managed to sneak something in under the editorial radar. And the more we think about it, the more that we realize that the phrase 'coming down' sounds even worse. Might we suggest the word 'contracts,' accompanied by the subhead, 'Infection (Probably) Not Linked to Oral Sex*****.'
*****Note: Probably.

Punctuated Protest

2004-12-16T15:31:00.000-08:00

From the I'm Probably* Wrong, And Please Feel Free to Correct Me If This is Indeed The Case Department:

Air America Radio, what the hell?

A tiny protest, yes, but until we get some answers, we are waging a one-blog (though feel free to join if you too have a blog and all of the necessary keys on your keyboard), symbolic campaign. Until that date when we know better (and those of you who know us personally, know that there is a good chance that we may never know better), every time we mention the name of liberal radio station Air America?, it will be followed by a question mark. Because...well...Air America Radio? what the hell?

Has Air America? started running advertisments for Sam's Club, a company owned by Wal-mart, which is in turn owned by Satan, in turn owned by...I'm not really sure, but probably somebody really scary, because, you know, anyone who owns Satan has got to be fairly scary in his or her own respect?

Sam's Club? Wal-mart? Air America Radio? What the hell?

Did I hear said advertisements with my own ears this very morning? Do my ears stick out? When I wear this hat do they*** look big? Do these ears make my ass look fat?

We demand answers, and until then, we will provide question marks, and if the answer is bad, we will be forced to turn to even more sinister forms of punctuation until the answer becomes good****. Ever seen on of these ';' before? That bad boy's called a semicolon, and I've got a keyboard in front of me full of them***** How would you like to see your network followed by one of those all of the time, eh? Food for thought.

*Note: Read: Hopefully**.
**Note: Read: Pretty, pretty please.
***Note: My ears.
****Note: Or at least gooder, or probably in the event of more-good, though more-gooder would be preferred over the latter option.
*****Note: Actually, there's only one, but I've got ten itchy fingers, and damn key looks reeeal scratchy.

Thou Shalt Not Mix Plaids--The 2004 Wake Fashion Awards

2004-12-16T06:51:00.000-08:00

Welcome to The Wake's First 57th Annual Overtly Political Fashion Awards!

Move over, pointy-hatted Abu-Ghraib prisoners. We have two late entries that will knock you off of your box, and pull the electrodes from your nipples and dogs from your crotches.

What a doozy we have this year. We haven't had this kind of action in The Best-Dressed Judge category since Clarence Thomas's bold decision to sport a 'No Fat Chicks' shirt at the opening of the 2002 supreme court season*. This year's winner is Alabama Circuit Judge, Ashley McKathan, who appeared last Monday in his Covington County courtroom, wearing a customized robe bearing the Ten Commandments. Case Closed! Watch for this look to spread like wildfire to courthouses all over Alabama, and possibly into some of the less-tolerent parts of Georgia. Here are two more commandments to add to that list: Thou, shall bear the Commandments, and Thou shall Covington thy neighbor's fashion! Oh Yeah!

The jury is still out as to whether the judge took a firm stand because of his strong hatred of the seperation of church and state, or due to some deep-seated psychosis, stemming out of the fact that he's had to go through life with a girl's name. Either way, Judge Ashley is h-o-t hot-hot-HOT!

The award for Best-Dressed Classic of Children's Literature Later Bastardized by Walt Disney goes to...The Little Mermaid. The statue of Hans Christian Andersen's famous fish-woman has cast off her tradition oufit of absolutely nothing, replaced by a more tasteful Muslim burka, proving once again, that despite thousands of years of human evolution, we still can't deal with the boobies of a naked statue. The folks handling the Mermaid's wardrobe mentioned something about Turkey before running off. Someone track these people down so that we can get them a sandwich...and a show on E!

That's all for this year, stayed tuned for next year's Second 57th Annual Overtly Political Fashion Awards!

*Note: And of course who can forget when, in 1988, Judge Reinhold donned the clothes of a twelve year old, for the film Vice Versa, taking broad new steps in the formula pioneered by Freaky Friday's Barbara Harris, and Like Father Like Son's Dudley Moore, and thus changing the playing for both actual judges and guys who just happen to have the first name 'Judge' worldwide.

The Holy Ghost

2004-12-14T07:24:00.000-08:00

John Ashcroft may be gone, but he ain't forgotten. The ghost of the Attorney General who single-handedly introduced the word 'patriot' into American politics, looms large in the most unlikely of places: Vermont, the state who chose for the back of their quarter, an engraving of the now-former Governor Howard Dean marrying a dog whilst sodomizing a dead fetus. A gutsy move sure, but not a bad choice considering that the image of jam-band Phish shooting up quarts of Cherry Garcia wouldn't fit on the back of a coin.

Now that election-fever has subsided, leaving behind little more than a somewhat annoying post-election rash, American politics can get back to what's important: naked statues. In the grand Ashcroftian tradition, the people tasked with the running of the state of Vermont are in a furor over a statue of a naked lady. Like the Attorney General's stone-cold woman justice, this naked lady comes bundled up with a whole bunch of overt symbolism. A. She's a slave, the sort of thing hippies like to make a big deal about, and B. she's a lamp, so she's casts light, and yadda, yadda, yadda.

The lamp is a naked, Greek slave woman. The naked Greek slave woman is important, because she is a replica of the naked, Greek slave woman originally created by Hiriam Powers, who, aside from sounding like a surgeon from a soap opera, or sorceror in some god-forsaken role playing game, was the state's most famous artist until that fateful day when Trey Anastacio picked up a vaccuum cleaner.

Vermont Gov. James Davis is not a fan. Either that, or he has to make way for his collection of Troll dolls. Whatever the reason, he wants the damn thing off of his desk, and though the decision is a decisive victory for Feng Shui practitioners everywhere, a few important Vermontians are more than a little pissed.

Nakedness after all was an important aspect of Greek art, though the Greeks also fucked little boys, so is that really what you want, men fucking little boys on the governor's desk, because that's what this sort of thing leads to, you know. Naked lady lamps are a gateway drug to legalized pedophilia

What this really comes down to, is that it's the guy's desk, so he has the right to pull the lamp off of it. Sure it's a beautiful statue, but whoever footed the $2,000 to have the damn thing made into a lamp should be prompted made into a lamp themselves and displayed in public as punishment.

By the same token, it is your right to get pissed off when he moves the lamp, dig up something unrealated from his past, and have him impeached for it. That is the beauty of the American system of government.

The only thing that you can't do is fuck little boys on the Governor's desk. There are still laws against that. Even in Vermont.

A Blue, Blue Christmas

2004-12-13T09:23:00.000-08:00

Just in time for Christmas (and a touch late for Channukah, but hell, we're a stingy people anyway), comes one more roadblock standing between you and those Outback Steakhouse gift certificates that you planned to distribute to all of your loved ones.

The fine people at Buy Blue, have brought it to the attention of pissed off progressives with internet connections worldwide (POPWICW*)that Outback, along pretty much every other place that you eat at, shop at, fly on or drink from, supports the Republican party. It turns out that there may be something to this whole Republican/big business thing after all. It should also be noted for coincidence-sake that Australia began as a prison colony. The news is not completely horrible. Buy Blue has listed some resources for those who love killing babies and marrying queers as much as we do.

Hopefully this information hasn't come to late. If you're an early shopper, or a big, fat Jew such as myself, might I suggest the ritualistic burning of all of the Hallmark cards sent to you this year by relatives and friends, and also, next time you're at Costco, make sure you pick me up some of those big chocolate muffins.

*Note: Patent Pending, The Wake Productions 2004. XOXOX Brian Heater**.
**Note:Brian Heater and The Wake are registered trademarks of Clear Channel Worldwide***, bringing you thinnly veiled progressive blogs since 2004. Also, have you seen the latest Lindsay Lohan video? That shit's blowin' up bigtime, dawg. Her debut "Speak" dropped last Tuesday, and it's mad hot, yo. Word.
***Note: Clear Channel Worldwide is a shared trademark or Manifest Destiny, American Capitalism and the will of our lord and savior Jesus Christ****.
****Note: Jesus Christ is a registered trademark of the Catholic Church*****.
*****Note: This is the church, this is the steeple, open it up******.
*******Note: Here are the people.

You and What Army?

2004-12-09T09:13:00.000-08:00

Well, Rumsfeld actually addressed the troops, which is a step in the right direction. Bush always seems to be addressing them in order to commemorate one holiday/anniversary or another, though the President favors showing up in some kind of wacky military costume, sort of the 'I'm a war president' version of Bob Hope's old USO golf club.

The Secretary of Defense however, comes not to entertain our fighting men and women with his bumbling Chaplin-esque slapstick, but rather to string together all manner stunningly blunt, borderline mocking assessments of their sad-eyed orphan-like pleas for some armor to stick between them and the newly-liberated folks who are shooting at them.

While the Canadian government, those marijuana-legalizing, universal-medicaring pale old guys in powdered wigs were pushing forward bills that would legalize gay marriage, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was rationalizing his decision to send American men and woman into combat sans-armor by saying thing like, "If you think about it, you can have all the armor in the world on a tank and a tank can be blown up," which, I guess if you think about it, is kind of true, and anyone who has ever questioned the man's bravery can't deny that it took guts to make that kind of statement in front of so many people carrying guns, though granted only Rumsfeld truly knows how well said weapons work, the answer to which, one would guess, is quite simply: not very well.

Backing up his boy, Bush issued this perplexing statement: "The concerns expressed are being addressed and that is — we expect our troops to have the best possible equipment," giving the Secretary just enough time to throw smoke bombs and exit the conference cackling maniacally.

In a related story, Rumsfeld said that he would not return the military's jewels until they transfered ten million dollars in unmarked bills to his offshore Swiss bank account.

Grand.

2004-12-07T14:50:00.000-08:00

His name hasn't been released yet--the military need conformation from his family--but sources are reporting that the 1,000 soldier has died since the beginning of
the current US occupation in Iraq. It's one of those cursed honors, really--a bit like being the protagonist in that Shirley Jackson short story, or landing yourself in the Guiness Book of World Records for having the world's largest brain tumor.

Godspeed, good soldier, and know that we are forever grateful for your efforts, even if the war that you were caught up in was completely in vain, and here's hoping that, if you are greeted in the afterlife by a pissed off Allah, he caves and gives you all of the virgins that you deserve.

Oy, Canada

2004-11-30T09:50:00.000-08:00

It seems fleeing-the-country fever has not been lost on the President. Bush, like many of his fellow Americans, is getting the hell out of dodge before the going gets worse. Not even his highness is immune from the call of the great white north, catching the first plane* to Canada, the France of North America.

Bush was met with some incredibly polite protest, including one sign that read, "Please Go." We can all learn a thing or two about civilized Anarchic discourse from our neighbors to the north.

The President won't be speaking with the Canadian government, as they have repeatedly and publicly (if accidentally)referred to Bush as a "bastard" and a "moron"**, coupled with the fact that Canadian official are actually known to engage in discourse, which, as those who follow the President know, has always been a bit of a pet peeve of the President.

We here at The Wake are praying for the President, and hoping that some day soon, with a minimal use of force, we can help American democracy spread to the oppressive Canadian regime. Sources near the President have not commented on whether Bush will look into the issue of legalized marijuana will in Canada.

*Note: Which, one assumes is Air Force One, unless of course one of Bush's advisers has hipped him to the fact that Jet Blue has little Televisions on the back of every seat, and you can watch VH-1 Classic for, like the whole trip instead of whatever the in flight movie is, or even worse, the damn in flight briefings on Air Force One, because we all know what George will pick, given the option between a Rove briefing, some family-friendly movie about a dog who can play volleyball, and one of those 1984-era Van Halen videos with David Lee Roth flying through the air, wielding a boom box, because even though sources near the President have alluded to Bush's being a bigger fan of Hagar-era VH, you can't knock the Halen.
*Note: And who knows what sort of shit they're saying about the President in French? What the hell does "bite" mean anyway?

Fucking Grrrrrrreat.

2004-11-29T13:03:00.000-08:00

I realize that a lot of people have been giving the President a good deal of flack regarding the partisan nature of his appointements to his cabinet. What we seem to be overlooking is the diverse nature of his choices.

Bush's latest appointment, Carlos Gutierrez, who will be filling in the Commerce Secretary void left by Donald Evans, is the perfect example of the different walks of life from which the President has built his cabinet. Gutierrez, the CEO of cereal giant Kellogg's will be replacing a former oil company CEO, and joining all manner of former CEOs and corporate lobbyists. Throw in one top hat wearing, monocled, turn-of-the-century fat cat, and you've pretty much got yourself a mini-America.

Post-Thanksgiving Capitalism Report

2004-11-28T09:42:00.000-08:00

Black Friday is over. Did America rouse itself from its turkey-gorging slumber, three-hundred dollar tax return checks in hand, and purchase enough copies of Halo 2 to turn around the ailing economy? It may yet be a little early to tell, but the results are looking good.

In the Times Square Toys 'R' Us, one enthusiatic capitalist sprayed other shoppers with pepper spray! That's some clever, quick thinking, friend. Screw eggnog and holy. These days, nothing says holiday cheer like screams of horror and the smell of burning retinas. Is that the sound of hooves on the roof? Oh, never mind, that's just the guy in the box...

In economic news, the dollar is looking a bit green up against the euro. Looks like that plan to lure the people of Europe into a false sense of security is finally paying off, and how! It's almost time to intiate phase two: Operation Grovel.

In China, people are preparing for the Christmas season by getting trapped in mine explosions. It sounds crazy, but it's a different culture, and we have to respect different cultures, as long as they prove viable trade allies, because that's how Jesus envisioned it the very first time he slid down an American chimney.

Statements of the Obvious

2004-11-24T11:11:00.000-08:00

Man, those crazy Ukrainians! Election fraud, mixed up exit polls, largescale protest.

So sayeth Colin Powell:

If the Ukrainian government does not act immediately and responsibly there will be consequences for our relationship, for Ukraine's hopes for a Euro-Atlantic integration and for individuals responsible for perpetrating fraud.

It seems that the soon-to-be-former Secretary of State didn't fulfill his irony quota during his four years with the Bush administration*, and is now working overtime to squeeze out the last few bits irony in his system. Look for Powell to issue statements denouncing blacks in power, and people with first names that sound like organs.

*Note: Those of you who didn't pay close attention during Bush's speeches on the campaign trail and debate appearances may not be aware of the leaps and bounds that the administration is making in accidentally self-referencing ironic statements. The President has truly made the greatest use of the Central Irony Agency since it was established in 1967.

Somebody Give this Man a TV Show!

2004-11-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

According to Hari, Liddy called environmentalists "fanatics" like Al Qaeda, claimed that the "official version of Watergate is as wrong as a Flat Earth Society pamphlet," and said that if U.S. policy during the Vietnam War was up to him he would have "drowned half the country and starved the other half." In discussing Hitler's personal influence upon him, Liddy said that "at assemblies where the national anthem is played, I must suppress the urge to snap out my right arm."

Thank you G. Gordon Liddy. Your Charlie drowning, Hitler appreciating madness has once again allowed us to see that evil, soul-crushing harbingers of pestilence like Hannity and O'Reilly are really just big cuddly teddy bears disguised in suits.

The man who had the distinct honor of being to the far right of much of the Nixon adminstration loves his Hitler. The bastard can't get enough. Isn't it about time that somebody gives the guy a show on FOX News? Picking the title is the tough part. One of these two should work: "Hitler Made Me Feel a Strength Inside I Had Never Known Before With G. Gordon Liddy" or "G. Gordon Liddy Presents: Hitler's Sheer Animal Confidence and Power of Will Entranced Me." Coming up next on FOX News!

For more fun with G. Gordon Liddy, check out this Media Matters article, and prepare laugh, love and learn.

Dispatches From the Moral Majority 11.22.04

2004-11-22T11:06:00.000-08:00

I Tell You What!

By Joe L. Johnson

Were a year ago last Thursday that that liberal elite took a break from their busy Christian baby sacrificin schedule in order to destroy marriage. By the grace of Jesus Christ, son of the lord our god, Jesus, son of lord, we have protected that most sacred of institutions for interaction between the penis and vagina,the most sacred of genital interaction, because though television programs such as Will and Grace have shown us that the wacky homosexual still retains untapped, hot entertainment value, the last thing I need in my life is a homosexual man marrying my daughter.

She is still young and impressionable. Last week I done caught her trying on a dress from her mother's closet. I sat her down, and when I asked her what she was learnin in that school of hers, you know what she said? "Dinosaurs, daddy." So I did what any self-respecting father would do. I made her smoke a whole carton of cigarettes, and wouldn't let her leave the room until she was done.

'Dinosaurs, daddy.' Can you believe that? I don't remember readin nothing about dinosaurs in the bible, expect maybe Moses, he may have been some kind of lizard,and I think there was something about a golden cow and a planet full of ape-like men, but that's not really the point. The point here, is that we need more school-based scholastic learning about marriage. Now, when I was a youngin, I had to take a class called 'shop.' Now I know the name sounds a bit queer, but it ain't. You know what we did? We built cars, and cussed and spit, and smacked each other on the butt. While I was building and cussing and spitting, my wife was in a class called Home Ec, cooking and cleaning and marrying loaves of bread and pretending like eggs were their babies.

You want a kid to be right in the head, and understand all of the sacredness of marriage? Have them marry a loaf of bread and give birth to a chicken egg. What I'm trying to saying here is Adam and Eve, not Adam and a Stegosaurus.

This is why we need to ban all text book references to dinosaurs and replace them with lessons on the sanctity of marriage. Here is an example of what I'm talkin about. The text is a re-edit of Encyclopedia of Dinosaurs (which would of course be retitled Encyclopedia of Marriage, The Sacred Heterosexual Instituation Between a Man and a Woman) by Kevin Padian and Philip J. Currie. I think we did a pretty good job. See if you can pick out the changes!

Late Triassic marriage sites are found extensively in southern Africa (particularly South Africa, Lesothno and Zimbabwe) and to a lesser extent in northen Africa (Morrocco). Herbivorous heterosexual marriages (a sacred insitution between and man and a woman) are the best known of African Triassic marriages. Footprints and incomplete remains indicate the presence of small Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. The Triassic-Jurassic boundary is marked by extinctions globally, but the boundary has not been studied in detail in Africa.

In moral majority news, some Chinese guy in Wisconsin who was hunting deer ended up killing five people. Damn, man, if I had a nickle for everytime I mistook five people for a herd of grazing deer, and ended up slaughtering them with a semi-automatic rifle, I wouldn't have to steal money from my daughter's piggy-bank, I tell you what!

I Tell You What! is a syndicated column a bi-weekly column, published in finer, non-liberal media newspapers throughout the country.

Makin' a List

2004-11-18T15:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

It occurred to me, listening to each of the former presidents* give speeches during the today's opening of the Clinton Library, that in eight years, Mr. Clinton himself is going to have to stand on a stage in Texas, and fill up three minutes worth of speech time praising George W. Bush. Sure he can take the approach that Kerry took during the debates, and praise Bush's family, but how much time can Clinton really spend on that subject, unless sometime in the next eight years, Barbara or Jenna manages to save a family orphans from a fire, or at least stop regularly appearing drunk in front of people with cameras?

We like Bill, so let's help him out, and think of a few nice things to say about George W. Here, I'll start: George W. Bush--at least as far as I know--has never killed a baby with his bare hands and eaten its innards in order to maintain a youthful glow.

See, that was easy, wasn't it? Now it's your turn. Think of one nice thing to say about President Bush, and send it thewakeblog@yahoo.com. When you're done, forward this message to a friend, or have them visit this site(http://thewakeblog.blogspot.com). If we get enough, we'll forward it to President Clinton, or perhaps hand deliver it to Harlem.

Include your first name and last initial, where you hail from, and note that if you send it along, it may be posted on the website.

Thank you and Godspeed,

Brian Heater
(The Wake)

*Note: Again, with the exception of Ford, who is 91, and can't expect to make poo, let alone get himself to Little Rock, in order to say nice things about a democrat.

Pubic Library

2004-11-18T09:26:00.000-08:00

30,000 folks are gathered in Little Rock today in honor of the opening of the Bill Clinton presidential library. Among them are all of the living former presidents (with the exception of Gerald Ford), all of the living current presidents and a gaggle of first ladies. The is a much lower-key ceremony occurring in Bakersfield, California right now as a dozen of America's most clever comedy writers enter into a bunker for the next eight years in order to pen the perfect joke for the unveiling of George W. Bush's presidential library. Most suspect the joke will involve the president's illiteracy.

The Clinton joke will be revealed tonight on Leno. Sources close the joke agree that it will likely contain a reference to oral sex. Once the joke is unveiled, it will do rounds around all of the late night talk shows, slightly alterated to fit each hosts' delivery. Then, the joke will be donated to the president joke library in Wahoo, Nebraska.

Too Legit to Aquit

2004-11-18T07:53:00.000-08:00

The man that the really rich white folks who control every aspect of your pathetic attempts at free will refer to as 'The Hammer,' is now beyond the law. Yep, though the powers that the man gained by blocking the flow of the earth's yellow son, and feasting on the blood of young, crack-filled ghetto babies was quite formidable, your friends in the House have now made the majority leader (and hip, new Republican take on the outdated, communist Robin Hood myth)Tom DeLay beyond the law. DeLay's life in now a subtitled Chow Yun-Fat movie. Later tonight, House Republicans will be voting on whether his chest will be able to deflect bullets, and in the event of his death, he will be granted a 'do-over*.'

On a related and semi-outdated note, we at The Wake suggest that, in case the Republican rearrangement of law has somehow sullied your spotless belief in the democrat process, you check out MC Hammer's post 9-11 video, "No Stopping us Now--USA," which features the man who is still the king of rap in our hearts (Vanilla who?) funkin' around on Capitol Hill with various politicos That should get your red, white and blue blood boiling! You hear that, Osama? You can't touch this, bitch!

Hm...Hammer and The Hammer? Does anyone else smell collaboration? You know, no one's remade "Ebony and Ivory" in a while...

*Note: Though Terry Everett, Rep. Alabama, is attempting to introduce a bill that will change the wording to 'do again,' which is 'totally the right way to say it, black out forever.'

Clinton v. Bush: Round Three

2004-11-16T15:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, here's the deal: Clinton vs. Bush: 2008. Hillary vs. Jeb, winner takes all. Now we settle all of this red blue state nonsense. The liberal-elite, versus the moral majority. The liberal, female, Wellesley-attending senator from the most blue state in the union, versus the guy from Texas named Jeb.

The winner recieves:

--A remodel of Mt. Rushmore (Reagan/Nixon/Hannity/Christ v. Clinton/Kennedy/FDR/Springsteen).

--The opportunity to punch the newcaster of their choice, Rather/O'Reilly.

--Three free election riggings.

--One free beatification from the Catholic church.

--One spin of the mysterious 'Federal Wheel of Fortune.'

--The treasure buried beneath the Lincoln monument.

--Ability to hand out as many "World's Greatest Supreme Court Justice" t-shirts as party sees fit.

--20-gig limited edition U2 i-pod.

--A limited edition copy of the Bush v. Clinton: Round Three Home Game.

Colin Cleansing

2004-11-15T13:19:00.000-08:00

Thanks to President Bush, a few more folks lost their job in what is proving to be a huge administration shake up (or is it a shake down?). Colin Powell said of his leaving the administration that the decision was mutual, and unlike most of the soundbites leaving the White House these days, this one seems fairly honest. Bush no longer needs to bask in Powell's aura of greatness now that he doesn't have to worry about a reelection bid, and Powell needs to get the hell out of Dodge before he gets any more blood on his hands, or worse yet in terms of his political career, a more-tarnished image, say if Bob Woodward decides to write another book.

Powell says that he's seeking a more private post-cabinet life. What does this mean? Well, if he is anything like any of the other folks leaping from the burning Bush inferno,he is going to poison or drill or lobby something. Powell has likely given a good deal of thought to what he will be doing once he leaves the district--still, just in case he hasn't yet made up his mind, The Wake's got a few suggestions:

Pottery Barn Spokesperson-- Okay, so that Robert Redford-looking motherfucker caught you with your pants down. Well, now's the time to cash in. Wonks across the country have been giving the Pottery Barn free advertisment, quoting your advice to the President upon the invasion of Iraq. Why can't you make a few dollars of the deal? Picture this:
(Close up on Powell's face)
Powell: Mr. President, you know the Pottery Barn rule: you break it, you own it.
(Camera pulls back to reveal Powell and President Clinton sitting at a table, painting ceramics. Clinton fumbles an ashtray, reaching for some fresh paint. Ashtray shatters on ground.)
Clinton: Oh fiddle sticks. Now where am I gonna keep my cigars?
Powell: Oh jeez, that really blows.
Clinton: What? Oh you.
(Both men laugh.)
Voice-over: The Pottery Barn. If you break it, you own it...also, blow jobs*.

Colin Powell, Sitcom Star!--Okay, so your son is attempting to redefine indencency, while setting new standards for family programming. How best to do this? Lead by Example. Introducing: The Powell's, family programming just like it used to be! Colin Powell as the strict, but loving father with an unhealthy obsession with unpainted pottery. Colin's wife Alma as Colin's wife Alma. Michael Powell as Colin's strict, but, well...strict son. One of those Lawrence kids as the wacky, gangster rap listening little neighbor. Man, that little white kid thinks he's black--what the hell? And...I don't know like a talking dog, or some shit. Featuring Janet Jackson's first guest starring role since Diff'rent**, as a strict, but fun nun.

Television Host, Weapons of Mass Deduction--Carmen San Diego for the next generation. Join Powell and Donald "The Chief" Rumsfeld, as they help the gumshoes discover the weapons. If you don't watch, the terrorists have already won. Take it Rockapella: Where in the axis of evil are the weapons of mass destruction?

*Note: That last part would be optional of course.
**Special Whatchu Talking 'Bout Note: Just consulted the IMDB and realized that this is not true. Apparently Damita Jo has also guest starred on Will and Grace and The Love Boat, as well as a year-long stint on Fame, so if nothing else, we've got future apology/retraction fodder.

The Tale of Two Dirty Bastards

2004-11-14T07:44:00.000-08:00

Truly a bizarre world is this in which Cheney goes home from the hospital, while ODB collapses dead in his studio. Cheney's condition, his doctors are saying, may well have simply been a bad case of the cold--ODB's is still up for debate, though there's some suspicion that it wasn't merely a case of old age.

It seems that we've traded one old, dirty bastard for another, and I won't say that it's wrong--it's not my place to suggest that one is less worthy to die than an other*, though I would like to point out that, contrary to popular belief, Dick was never in the Wu. Also, though he may have wanted to, Old Dirty Bastard never lead us into an unjust war, and because of his premature death, or nation still faces that killer bee probably, which will likely never get cleared up, what will Method Man and Red Man frittering away the days sitcoming.

This forty's for you, Big Baby Jesus. Still saving that barrel of oil for Big Baby Dick.

*Note:: And, if and when I do begin referring to myself as the 'angel of death,' the time may be ripe for professional health.

Rush for a Change

2004-11-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official, every single person in the country has written a book. Apparently upon approaching this point, all of the topics that one could ever possibly want to read about, have already been reserved.

And now, we are proud to present a book about the last possible subject any reasonably-sane human being could ever possibly want to sit down and read a book about: Rush Limbaugh's sexuality.

Arizona resident Kirk Muse has taken time out of his busy letter-to-the-editor-writing schedule* in order to bravely ventured into Rush's nether-regions.

Kirk has found his muse in Rush's genitals, producing his first book, Is Rush Gay?, which is available at the low, low price of $12.50 (plus shipping and handling). If you're not a fan of shipping and handling, simply purchase ten books for the even lower-lower price of one-hundred dollars, and the the shipping's on Kirk.

Is Rush Gay? is available for purchase on the easy-to-remember website www.isrushgay.com. Samples of the book are available on site, including damning highlights such as, "I believe it is because Marta Limbaugh is just an 'acting wife.' Recruited and paid to act like Rush's adoring wife in public, but when they are not in public, they go their separate ways." The site also features a nice author profile. All those who assumed someone would have to be heavily intoxicated in order to take on Rush's pecker, couldn't be more wrong.

"The author has never used any illegal drugs except marijuana and he has not used that for more than fourteen years. When he was a regular marijuana user, he was offered free samples of "any others drugs that he wanted.

"Fortunately, the author declined all offers of free samples of the drugs. Unfortunately, many others do not decline the offers of free samples.

"Therefore, we have a drug problem. Therefore, the problem is caused by our government policy of drug prohibition."

Is Rush Limbaugh, lying right-wing drug addict also gay? Only Kirk Muse knows, and so can you for a mere $12.50 (plus shipping and handling).

*Note: He has, as his website notes, "written probably at least 3,000 letters to editors of various publications from around the world. So far, he has almost 300 letters published that he knows about."

General Madness

2004-11-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

Quoth The New York Times:

For Mr. Gonzales, tenure as attorney general would allow him to demonstrate his reliability to conservative leaders, many of whom say they are unsure of his views on issues like abortion and affirmative action, Republicans said.

That's right, there's actually been speculation that Alberto Gonzales, originally thought to be one of Bush's Supreme Court nominees, may actually be too liberal for the post to pass through those in the Senate so far on the right that they have trouble seeing through the damn tiny eye hole in their hoods. He is the man that Slate's Dahlia Lithwick essentially referred to as liberals' last hope for a not completely Orwelian Bush-appointed justice. It's an exciting new word that we live in, isn't it? Why just a few years ago, we frittered our days away worrying about the polar ice caps and clean air emissions, and now we find ourselves crossing our fingers that the President appoints the guy who has made a nice little career for himself justifying torture and the execution of retarded people.

How's this for insomniac fodder? The idea behind the aforequoted Times Article is that Bush appointed Alberto Gonzales to the attorney general post in order to prep him for the big game: a slot on the Supreme Court. Well, if the Attorney General position is really a farm league for the Supreme Court, what does that mean for Ashcroft? Where the devil is Ashcroft these days? Will he be popping up on VH1 shows in the next few years alongside Tina Yothers and the guy who played "Styles" in the Teen Wolf movie?

No, the Reggie Jackson of the moral majority has, at the very least, earned himself a couple of guest VJ spots on TRL and a reoccurring role on Will and Grace as the gruff but loving next door neighbor who condems sodomy over a plate of his wife's milk and cookies, and eventually lands himself in a sticky situation that requires his wearing drag and dancing to "Lady Marmalade," and everyone learns a lesson that day, and perhaps we are one step closer to achieving a little bit of unity.

But cameos and perhaps an episode of SNL* aside, does Mr. Ascroft have what it takes to land a seat on the nation's highest court? Is the question just far too scary to ask? Will the man's jurisdiction be transfered from the country's libraries and phone lines to your fallopian tubes? Will the eagles soar where she's never soared before?

Here's to you, John for possibly being the lesser of two evils in this really fucking scary situation. Gonzales, after all may have to prove himself to the far right, because apparently hooking up electrodes to nipples, and putting the mentally handicapped into the electric chair doesn't score as many points as it used to back in the day. Here's to you, Alberto, that you might find exciting new ways to terrorize the people of this, the greatest nation on earth!

*Note: Don't expect the writers to omit the obligatory singing monologue. Might I suggest a jazzed up version of "Every Breath You Take," Hall and Oates' "Private Eyes," or better yet, a duet of Rockwell's "Somebody's Watching Me" with Horatio Sanz s Michael Jackson.

Preempting Private Ryan

2004-11-11T13:02:00.000-08:00

So, in light of last year's Superbowl Nipplegate fiasco, ABC affiliates are refusing to air Saving Private Ryan tonight in honor of Veterans' Day. Yep, the stations won't show a movie that features a realistic portrayal of the violence of war for fear of facing fines and the shadow cast by MS. Jackson's booby. Jeez, with all of this fuss, you'd think that the movie featured a quick glimpse of a black woman's breast.

Perhaps the ultimate sign of the times is the fact that instead of Ryan, the ABC affiliates will be airing Return to Mayberry. That's right, for all of those who had better things to do in the mid-eighties, you will finally have the opportunity to find out exactly what was going on with all of your favorite Andy Griffith Show characters circa-1986. Andy, Opie, Barney and Goober are all back, and I would put money on one of them wearing a bolo tie! Sha-Zam!

A pretty appropriate replacement, one has to admit, a Reagan-era update of redneck fifties idealism, fishing hole and all. For future reference though, might I suggest close-up, slow motion footage of nails being run through Jesus's wrists.

Congratulations Veterans. Thank you for sacrificing your lives and limbs in order to defend life, liberty, the pursuit of property, and all of the other rights we hold dear in this, the greatest civilization in the history of our world. Sorry about all of the funding that the president has cut from Veterans organizations, and the lack of armor and benefits that soldiers currently deployed to Iraq are facing. I hope you enjoy this Return to Mayberry. I repeat: Sha-Zam!

Further Ralphing

2004-11-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

It turns out that Ralph Nader hasn't always been a crazy guy who runs for the presidency. That's right, before he was 'longshot presidential candidate Ralph Nader,' and 'election-stealer Ralph Nader,' he was 'consumer advocate Ralph Nader.' While George Bush and Dick Cheney were driving drunk, Nader put out a book called Unsafe at Any Speed. For years, Nader worked busily, making sure that your water was clean, your car was safe and your food wasn't going to kill you.

Now he spends a lot of his time running as a third party presidential candidate and writing bizarre open letters to folks, including a recent piece to Michael Moore entitled, hey Michael, Where are your Friends' that concluded:

Your old friends remain committed to blazing paths for a just society and world. As they helped you years ago, they can help you now. They are also trim and take care of themselves. Girth they avoid. The more you let them see you, the less they will see of you. That could be their greatest gift to Moore the Secondthe gift of health. What say you?

Best wishes,

Ralph Nader

Ralph's position as avoider of girth and advocate of insanity has progressed further in recent weeks. Those Nader supporters who have any doubt regarding his recent mental health, should take a look at Ralph's recent DVD, which isfor sale on his site. The page describes the DVD thusly:

Using the actual questions from the Presidential debates, Ralph discusses his plans for pulling our troops out of Iraq, solutions for the energy crisis, helping the environment, using tax dollars sensibly, and giving all Americans a living wage.
This DVD is a great way to introduce young people to real political issues.

also:

Bush and Kerry refused to debate Ralph - so we took matters into our own hands!
Ralph puts the real issues on the table in this "virtual" debate with fellow candidates Bush and Kerry.

Essentially the DVD consists of Nader seated in front of a blue backdrop, debating Bush and Kerry dolls. One suspects that the film is an attempt at political satire Nader-style, but in reality serves as one of the best films to get really loaded to since a group of scrappy entrepreneurs had the brilliance to release backyard wrestling videos.

It looks like Ralph is taking a break from his strict regiment of writing letters, and making movies with dolls in order to help the recount effort. The AP quotes Ralph as saying, "Over 2,000 citizens including voting rights advocates are urging in writing the Nader Camejo campaign to help make sure every vote is counted and counted accurately. The Nader Camejo campaign does not view the election to be over merely because concession speeches, which have no legal effect, have been given. Rather they are over when every vote is counted and legally certified."

That's right, he's heading up a recount effort campaign. It's still to early to tell if all of those republicans who helped fund Nader's campaign effort will be joining in the recount campaigns.

Fun With Apologies and Retractions 11.10.04

2004-11-10T14:00:00.000-08:00

One of the fun things about being on the left-side of the politic spectrum is that we are allowed to admit when we’re wrong, and it’s not that creepy let-the-love-of-Jesus-enter-you-mascara-running-Tammy-Faye-Baker kind of admission, it’s an honest to God*, damn-I-really-blew-it-this-time apology, and perhaps there’ll be some crying involved, but it’s cool, ‘cause no one’s gonna call you a homo or anything**.

So here goes: I’m sorry, I blew it. Again. We’ve been on the web less than one week, and here I am already issuing my second apology/retraction. As is generally the case with this sort of thing, I got a bit too hasty. Deadlines were weighing down on me, and I posted something that I have since come to regret.

I suggested that the possibility of Attorney General John Ashcroft stepping down was a good thing. In fact, I went to far as to list it as the second item on The Wake’s first ever ‘Not Completely Fucked Up Report,’ placing it above that thing about the island of Hobbits, and just below a news item about less kids contracting Hepatitis B. Since then, the Ashcroft has indeed stepped down. Good news, right? Well...not so much. Rumors were floating around suggesting that Bush would appoint Alberto Gonzales to the post. Said rumors have just been confirmed***.

Who is Alberto Gonzales? Well, Gonzales is probably best known for penning what are lovingly referred to the ‘Torture Memos,’ which giddily cast off the archaic set of laws known as The Geneva Convention, and have since been pointed to as a justification for what took place at Abu Ghraib. They’re pretty long, as is generally the case with these sorts of things****, but have been made available here by The Washington Post for your reading pleasure*****. Among many other highlights, is the suggestion that though certain acts inflict humiliation, “cruel, inhuman or degrading, [they do not] produce pain and suffering of the requisite intensity to fall within [existing torture laws].”

Even worse than that is the fact that the guy has spent the last four years as the top White House lawyer. That’s right, the bastard is no better than Kerry and Edwards, though to his own credit, it should be noted that unlike those Edwards, Gonzales never had the poor judgment to take on clients like little girls who get her feet jammed in pool drains.

The good news is two-fold:

a. According to a piece by the AP, Democrats are pumped by the announcement: “Even before the formal announcement, one Senate liberal welcomed the appointment of "someone less polarizing" to the position. ‘We will have to review his record very carefully, but I can tell you already he's a better candidate than John Ashcroft,’ said Sen. Charles Schumer, D-N.Y., a member of the Judiciary Committee." Did you hear that, naysayers? Somewhat less polarizing!!

b. Gonzales was originally suggested as a candidate to fill in one of the upcoming Supreme Court vacancies. Which means that the guy who spends his time writing 'Torture Memos' would have full governance over your uterus.

So, as usual, we can take solace in the fact, that maybe, possibly it could be a bit worse, and who knows, perhaps someday soon Gonzales will be able to bring this divided nation together again with his own heavenly singing voice.

*Note: Whose ever God that happens to be in this moral-relativistic, indulgent hedonist society.
**Note:It’s hella gay, I know.
***Note:Thus proving my misguided attempt at back-handed optimism--telling a friend, 'at least it couldn't get any worse than Ashcroft--sadly wrong.
****Note:It is probably for the best that something called the ‘Torture Memos’ is fun to read, this one suspects is the main justification for removing Gonzales’s original ‘Fun Corner,’ which featured all manner of torture related puzzles and crosswords.
*****Note:Though they will no doubt prove fun for certain readers, they should not be confused with Anne Rice's recent novel The Vampire Lestat's Torture Memos.

Insane in the Mark Twain

2004-11-10T13:01:00.000-08:00

Clearly for many people, however, results are not enough. When Mark Twain remarked that a lie can travel halfway around the world before the truth can put on his shoes, it's astounding to think he was speaking decades before the invention of the Internet.

And there you go. Case close. For any of you crazy conspiracy nuts who still believe in making all votes count, this ABC News story should dissuade your X-Files rerun-watching ways. I spoiled it a bit, by printing the punch line, but believe you me, the setup is a real whopper, and oh the Mark Twain quote. Take that fans of democracy! Mark motherfuckin’ Twain!

I know we all lost faith in ABC, what with the Dan Rather thing, but it looks like they're back on track, answering to their coporate overlords. *Phew* that was close.

Bush Cabinet: Reloaded

2004-11-10T11:19:00.000-08:00

There is a lot speculation buzzing around the Bush cabinet these days. As we run screaming headfirst into the President’s second administration, those closest to the commander-in-chief, are leaping for their lives like rats fleeing from a sinking evil, evil ship, like a pirate ship except more evil. Ashcroft and Evans are out, and Gonzales, the man who has bravely fought against mainstream, anti-torture laws looks like he might be in. Who is Bush going to choose to decorate his cabinet with ‘the will of the people at his back’ and no worries about reelection, impeachment or the laws that govern the reality-based community? Like a drunken, neglectful father running numbers on his daughter’s House League soccer game, we here at The Wake are placing our bets, and sucking our gin out of our Batman thermos. Here are our picks:

Secretary of Defense: Superman—Will the man they affectionately refer to as ‘Rummy’ step down? We can only hope so, because it seems that the Man of Steel has been tapped to fill. According to those close to the President, Bush looked into a few others including Spider-Man, but ruled him out, because he was ‘way too dorky, and we’ve had a four eyes in the position for four years already.’ One hopes that the President never discovers the man from Metropolis’s secret identity, and also that he is fake.*

Attorney General: McGruff— When the President first nominated his choice for the highest law enforcement position in the country, he justified his selection by calling John Ashcroft "a man of great integrity, a man of great judgment and a man who knows the law." What most folks don’t know about Ashcroft is that he was not Bush’s first choice for the position. Bush originally tapped McGruff, the spokesman for the Nation Crime Prevention Council who has been taking big, hearty, bacteria-filled bites out of crime since 1980. The President’s advisor’s balked—not because his choice was a seven-foot tall, trench coat wearing dog, but rather because his name is so obviously Scottish, and the idea of having a Scot in law enforcement was completely unheard of, and not the kind of image they wanted to paint of the George W. Bush administration.

Secretary of Agriculture: George Washington Carver—President Bush has called into question his own choice to replace the current Secretary, Anne Veneman, upon discovering George W. Carver a. is not a man-sized dandy-dressed peanut, and b. is dead. Still, he has hope for the inventor of peanut butter, to add some ethnic color to his cabinet incase Rice and Powell leave**. Also, as for the latter problem, that’s why we have scientists, now let’s get those stem cells churning.

Secretary of Energy: Benjamin Franklin—If it proves impossible to bring the forefather back, the President will happy opt for, “that guy what invented Red Bull.”

*Note: The President’s original choice of Conaan the Barbarian was shot down, in case the Secretary of Defense and Governor of California ever had to appear in a room at the same time.
**Note: Though God knows what kind of accolade he would have received from civil rights groups, had he hired the nation’s only talking peanut.

The Great Thompson Hunt 11.09.04

2004-11-09T15:25:00.000-08:00

Where, you ask, is the Dr. Hunter S. Thompson in these days of loathsome fear? The good doctor can be found on ESPN's website, making a brief, first-paragraph reference to last Tuesday's election, noting that Kerry's three-percentage point loss in the national popular vote was, "every bit as big in a vicious presidential election as it was on the football field last night when the low-riding Indianapolis Colts kicked a last-second field goal to beat Minnesota 31-28," at which point, as one might expect out of an ESPN column, Thompson switches gears completely to football, at one point still managing to insert the words, "buy the ticket, take the ride. Mahalo."

Ah, but toward the end, we are back into a post-campaign trail sense of both fear and its ever-loyal companion, loathing. Somehow, the conversation switches back into brief politicizing. Thompson's final answer to the state of the union? "The time has come to get deeply into Football. It is the only thing we have left that ain't fixed."

A bleak world view, no doubt, but as the mutants closed in on any faint glimmer of democratic salvation, a more candid Thompson--one not looking for a sports-related punch line—was profiled by his local paper, The Aspen Daily News, a periodical that boasts the peculiar tag-line, 'If you don't want it printed, don't let it happen.' The doctor of journalism spoke with one of the Daily's reports on election night, as he fielded calls from pollsters, Kerry's press secretary and Sean Penn, among God-knows-who-else. His parting words were more inspirational on early Wednesday, for those of us who take our political advise primarily from left-leaning, gun-toting, oft-heavily medicated gonzo journalists, "Their army is how much bigger than mine? Three percent? Well shucks, Bubba. Now is the time to establish a network and an attitude. You make friends in moments of defeat. People in defeat tend to bond because they need each other. We can't take the attitude that it's over and we give up. We're still here."

It is, perhaps somewhat chilling that the best political news that we have received in our post-election stupor involves the idea of a large army of pissed off people being lead to victory by Hunter S. Thompson.

In the November 11th issue of Rolling Stone, a column by Thompson wrote, "only a fool or a sucker would vote for a dangerous loser like Bush...I endorsed Kerry a long time ago, and I will do everything in my power, short of roaming the streets with a meat hammer, to help him be the next President of the United States." No reports yet of a mad journalist roaming through Colorado, brandishing tenderizing devices. Perhaps it's for the better that the man has football to fall back on.

Bill O'Reilly, undoubtedly the carrier of Thompson's gonzo torch, has happily bastardized Hunter S.’s favorite phrase for his own sick, self-serving purposes*. O’Reilly has invoked ‘Fear and Loathing,’ in order to essential suggest that anyone who demands a fair election is a sore-loser. ‘Madness,’ he calls it.

That O’Reilly is an expert on both fear and loathing individually should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the Fox News host. That he has any familiarity with the good doctor however—that’s a state of a different color. On page 7 of O’Reilly’s new ground-breaking work of literature, The O’Reilly Factor for Kids**, he writes, "One last tip: anyone who offers you drugs or alcohol is definitely [his italics, not mine] not your friend. That is rule number one in life. Anybody who tempts you with stuff that can screw you up is a bad person. Get away, and stay away!" Okay, hardly ground-breaking stuff, but we’d be bullshitting ourselves if we suggested that we honestly expected anything more than recycled, trite-sound bites, stolen from Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Commercials. It does however, outline O’Reilly’s general message. Drugs are bad. It’s a message that gets replayed just about every time the host has on some kind of progressive preaching the abolishment of drug laws.

One wonders then, where O’Reilly’s fascination and apparent familiarity with Thompson comes in. O’Reilly paints a picture growing up as an All-American kid, haunted by*** a kid he met when he was four named Lenny who was slow, and later became a drug addict and died of AIDS at the tender age of forty. Writes O’Reilly, “Hint: that’s not old.” O’Reilly first suspected Lenny’s divergence into the dark-side when he notice that the kid didn’t like sports and wasn’t as outgoing as O’Reilly and his other friends. One also suspects that his petting dead mice was also a tip off****.

So when was O’Reilly introduced to Thompson? Was he trying to impress a woman in college? Did he have to write a report on the evils of subversive hippie-nonsense? Or is there something more sinister in O’Reilly’s past?

Cannot go any further, as bats have begun to surround the car. I believe we have entered the No Spin Zone.

*Note:*Ahem*, his own sick self-serving journalisticpurposes.
**Note:The reasons behind the cancellation of multiple interviews for said book is, perhaps, a conversation for another day.
***Note:I swear that I am not making up the next part. If you question its validity, run to your local bookstore, ask where the bargain bin is, and flip to page eight of The O’Reilly Factor for Kids’ introduction.
****Note:Okay, I made that part up. Read a book for christsake.

The Eagle has Landed

2004-11-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

Ashcroft has resigned!

Why did Ashcroft resign? Well, according to the man himself, by way of a handwritten letter sent to the President, "[t]he objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved." That's right, the good news is two-fold! Not only has the patriot-acting, breast-clothing Attorney General stepped down, he has managed to illiminate all crime and terror from the world, a fete that the efforts of Batman, Superman and Spiderman combined have been unable to achieve. Godbless, you good former attorney general. Godbless us everyone.

In a related story, Commerce Secretary Donald Evans has also resigned, sighting the fact that everything for sale has already been purchased.

The Liberal Regiment--Flexing Your Progressive Muscles

2004-11-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

Where one man from Georgia apparently shoot himself in the head with a shot gun at the much politicized World Trade Center site,throngs of folks in Florida are seeking therapy due to trauma suffered after last week's Democratic defeat and subsequent disillusionment, drinking, confusedly walking the streets and trying to hook with its old girlfriend, calling her a slut when she 'no,' and then passing out in front of its parents house in a pool of its own vomit.

Therapy of course presents a more rational alternative to shooting oneself in the head with a shotgun*. It is also slightly-more-rational option than moving to Canada, a land where therapy is outlawed, along with praying, spitting and making love. Also, they kill you when you turn thirty.

Okay, so you're really pissed, but you don’t want people to call you crazy, you don’t own a shotgun and the song-stylings of pop-vixen Avril Lavigne aren’t enough to convince you to uproot your hamburger-eating, non-hockey-watching lifestyle. I know that a lot of you have suggested that we succeed from the union, but come on folks, they tried that one already, and it didn’t really turn out too pretty. What sorts of things can you do to prep yourself for the next four years? The Wake is here for you, like it’s always been**. Here a re a few tips for those disembodied progressives who just don’t know what to do with themselves:

--Begin a strict training regiment: One never knows when, in the next four years it might pay off to become an assassin, what with the police state and all. I recommend one of two ways of going about becoming a hard-boiled bounty hunter who doesn’t play by anyone’s rules. You can either a. begin said strict training regiment, which may require you to fly to a non-descript Asian country in order to train under the master, as you have surpassed your former master, and he no longer has anything to teach you anything you do not already know, or b. pick up Chuck Norris’s new book Against All Odds: My Story.

--Begin your run for president early: Listen, they haven’t even announced the nominees. You can totally get a jump on everyone else. I mean look at John Kerry. If he can run for president, so can you. Sure he served two tours of duty in Vietnam, won three Purple Heart and a Bronze Star, went to school at Yale and served for twenty years as a US Senator, but remember your Iraqi exit strategy? Everyone in the bowling league thought it would totally work except for that one guy who rides a hog, whose idea of an exit strategy is killing them all, followed by an immediate sorting out operation to be performed by God. And he smells like beer farts.

--Slip at least one menacing, anti-Ashcroft*** statement into every cell-phone call you make for the next four and a half years: Listen, if everyone does this, it’ll really start to freak the guy out. Also, in the event that the Attorney General’s refrigerator is running, suggest spryly that he catch it.

--Request the new Green Day single “American Idiot” at least two times a day for the next four years: This should send the message loud and clear to the commander and chief****, about how he’s an idiot, of the American variety.

--Think of funny ways to say ‘Fox News’ to slip into conversations with friends and coworkers: The pun may be subtle, but the message won’t be. Already suggested: Faux News, Fucks News, Sucks News, Fox-is-really-fucking-shitty-and-man-that-Hannity-guy-sure-is-a-big-fat-cock-News. Nice job team! Keep sending in those fantastic word plays!

--Write letters to friends in other countries saying that we didn’t actually reelect Bush, we just didn’t tell him, because we didn’t want to hurt his feelings: Have you ever seen the guy angry? Man, he sure blows a gasket. John Kerry is the real president, but *shhhhhhh*, don’t tell anybody!

--Start a chain of restaurants called “O’Reilly’s Irish Falafels”: Become successful and franchise. Make money and piss off the moral majority.

--Read the Bible. Find a passage that proves that we’re right: It’s a long book. It’s in there somewhere.

--When the new Star Wars comes out, suggest that there exist strong connections between the Empire and the Bush administration: Emperor Rumsfeld, anyone?

--Get drunk and masturbate: If all else fails, exercise your American rights while you still have them!

* Note: Even totally crazy sounding therapy like 'intense hynotherapy,' the kind presented in the article, which may or may not result in your thinking that you are a chicken. A really, really intense chicken.
**Note: For the past days—five very, very long days.
*** Note: Can be applied to any Patriot Act enforcing attorney general!
****Note: It will also send the message to those lousy record company executives. Billie Joe Armstrong may be old, but he’s not out of the game—the punk rock game!!

Movin' On Up

2004-11-08T22:26:00.000-08:00

Will Howard Dean become the next chairman of the DNC? There might be light at the end of the electoral tunnel, after all. Granted, said light is probably at least four years away, but if it yells half as loudly as Dean, we shouldn't bump into the walls as much on the long, dark road to 2008.

I had the pleasure of attending a talk by the former Vermont Governor while he was in New York, promoting his new book*, and I'm fairly certain that every person in that room went and formed their own grass roots organization, which I suppose makes Mr. Dean the Velvet Underground of progressive politics, also his tendency to erupt into noise guitar solos, and the husky voiced, blonde German woman standing next to him.

Mr. Dean is undoubtedly an inspiration to the left. Hell, every time I hear the guy's Yahoo! commercial, I am overcome with the burning desire to perform run to the nearest computer and perform a web search**.

Contact Howard Dean. Let him know he's the man we need to continue to push our evolution-teaching, liberal eliting agenda into the minds of unsuspecting, innocent school children:

P.O. Box 1228
Burlington, VT 05402
802.651.3200

Also, since we're giving out out contact information, The Wake finally has an officially official e-mail:

thewakeblog@yahoo.com

*Note: Another first! Check out our first product plug! Perhaps someday we will be paid to endorse products. Remember potential sponsors, when people think of female Viagra, they think of The Wake!
**Note: In a forward thinking, progressive manner, of course.

Fun With Apologies and Retractions 11.09.04

2004-11-08T21:34:00.000-08:00

Always an important step in the development of any fledgeling publication, we here at The Wake are proud to announce our first* official apology/retraction! This one's a dozy. We really fucked up this time! Boy howdy, did we blow it!

The night before the presidential election,I suggested that Sean "P-Puffy-Puff-Didaddy" Combs would die if each and every one of you did not vote. For better or for worse, I was mistaken. Mr. Daddy is alive and kicking, and is, as we speak, flipping through the vinyl collection in his mansion, looking for the perfect pop-song to sample**.

I had suggested that Puff's friend Christopher "The Notorious B.I.G." Wallace's death was somehow linked to people not voting. This could not be further from the truth. Biggie was gunned down in Los Angeles, in cold blood, in the early morning of March 9th, 1997. Biggie was murdered because people from the west coast don't like people from the east coast, and vice versa, and instead of liking each other, they shoot each other. To suggest that he died because of an election is just downright absurd. Oh, and also Tupac is Jesus.

The confusion arose from the fact that just prior to the last election, Puffy popularized a t-shirt with the words "Vote or Die" on it. It turns out however, that the shirt did not refer to Puffy himself, but rather you, the reader of said shirt. If you did not vote, and have not died yet, please take that particular complaint up with Puffy. That is his editorial to right. This is mine.

In closing, I'm sorry. I am sorry that Puffy didn't die, breaking the promise that I made to you, the American people, but mark my words, Puffy will die some day, and it will no doubt be a result of complications of you not voting...or cancer...or someone shooting him...or him shooting someone, and missing and it richocheting and hitting him...or from a knife fight...or snake bite...or maybe the bird flu. Yeah, that's probably it. It'll probably be the bird flu. That's what gets 'em all. That's what got Biggie, you know.

*Note: Of what we are sure will be a great many.
**Note: Of course this is merely speculation, but we have narrowed down Comb's activities to one three things. The other two possibilities are a. giving props to Biggie infront of the bathroom mirror, or b. constructing possible new nicknames from Scrabble pieces.

Channeling the Hate

2004-11-08T16:09:00.000-08:00

Last Tuesday, according to The New York Times, 8.1 million people were watching Fox News, and though 10% of that number can probably be chalked up to television sets that were left on in Rupert Murdoch's mansion, the number is still chilling*. That's more than the amount of people who had their TV tuned into CNN (a channel not owned by Australia's own Bush-supporting version of Daddy Warbucks), and three times the amount of people who tuned into America's most distopian news source during the 2000 election-like thing. Looks like Sean Hannity is finally going to be able to afford that laser shooting robo-eagle that he's had his eye on. Look out, San Francisco.

The Times piece focuses on the channel's new-found inability to tout themselves as the underdogs, the alternative to the 'liberal media**,' while what they should pay attention to is the really fucking scary fact that from now on when Fox uses the slogan 'American's Newsroom,' they will be telling the truth, though perhaps it is the channel's apparent inability to do just that, which has led Roger Ailes, Fox's chairman (and former advisor for three Republican presidents!!) to suggest that the channel will continue to play the role of the dark horse. Why the channel, a mouthpiece for the party that purports to represent the majority of America doesn't represent itself as the harbinger of the coming apocalypse that it is, is beyond me. After all, aren't we shooting for the rapture, where all of God's chosen pundits will convene in the great red state in the sky? Perhaps they have to present a kinder, gentler version of themselves, being that, if you turn the volume on almost any Fox News program, you can here the faint sound of Ann Coulter and O'Reilly sucking the blood out of some poor Phish-listening Vermont hippy in the next room***.

The story also points out that more people watch Fox News daily than Nickelodean, which means, sadly that more people are getting their news from Britt Hume than Dora The Explorer. The most trusted name in news is the channel whose concept of fair and balanced is serving hot dogs and cheeseburgers. One doubts that Rupert Murdoch's party had a vegetarian option****.

For a story entitled "Tara Reid's Breast Intentions," please consult Fox News' website. Also, Burt Reynolds.

In related news, falafel sales have skyrocketed in the midwest in recent weeks.

*Note: For a visual of this startling number, image a million of something. Now multiply that number by 8.1. Similar results can found by multiplying any two numbers that result in 8.1 million.
**Note: Also, the piece spends a disconcerting amount of time discussing the fact that Murdoch was serving hot dogs to his guests, thereby creating disturbing visuals of a roomful of rich white men rooting for anti-marriage bans in elven states whilst shoving weiners in their mouths.
***Note: Which, as you know, if you've ever enjoyed Vermont hippy blood, is a not altogether too unpleasing combination of granola and Cherry Garcia.
****Note: Hey Kids!!! Just to show that we're good sports, we're going to let you insert your own falafel joke here! Make it funny, and don't forget to send it to a friend! Boy, that was a mouthful!!!

Letter to the Electorate

2004-11-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

It ain't over yet! Okay, well yeah, I mean it probably is over, but that doesn't mean that we have can't kick, scream, bite and cover our ears while going, "LALALALALALA," really loud*. Sure Bush is calling for America to come together, but come on, we've fallen for that before.

This following letter by John Conyers, et al, may prove to be extremely important for those who don't want to have to wait for the next Michael Moore movie to find out how they voted in the 2004 presidential election.

The Honorable David M. Walker
Comptroller General of the United States
U.S. General Accountability Office
441 G Street, NWWashington, DC 20548

Dear Mr. Walker:

We write with an urgent request that the Government Accountability Office immediately undertake an investigation of the efficacy of voting machines and new technologies used in the 2004 election, how election officials responded to difficulties they encountered and what we can do in the future to improve our election systems and administration.

In particular, we are extremely troubled by the following reports, which we would also request that you review and evaluate for us:

In Columbus, Ohio, an electronic voting system gave President Bush nearly 4,000 extra votes. "Machine Error Gives Bush Extra Ohio Votes," Associated Press, November 5.

An electronic tally of a South Florida gambling ballot initiative failed to record thousands of votes. "South Florida OKs Slot Machines Proposal," Id.

In one North Carolina county, more than 4,500 votes were lost because officials mistakenly believed a computer that stored ballots could hold more data that it did. "Machine Error Gives Bush Extra Ohio Votes," Id.

In San Francisco, a glitch occurred with voting machines software that resulted in some votes being left uncounted. Id.

In Florida, there was a substantial drop off in Democratic votes in proportion to voter registration in counties utilizing optical scan machines that was apparently not present in counties using other mechanisms. http://ustogether.org/election04/florida_vote_patt.htm

The House Judiciary Committee Democratic staff has received numerous reports from Youngstown, Ohio that voters who attempted to cast a vote for John Kerry on electronic voting machines saw that their votes were instead recorded as votes for George W. Bush. In South Florida, Congressman Wexler's staff received numerous reports from voters in Palm Beach, Broward and Dade Counties that they attempted to select John Kerry but George Bush appeared on the screen. CNN has reported that a dozen voters in six states, particularly Democrats in Florida, reported similar problems. This was among over one thousand such problems reported. "Touchscreen Voting Problems Reported," Associated Press, November 5.

Excessively long lines were a frequent problem throughout the nation in Democratic precincts, particularly in Florida and Ohio. In one Ohio voting precinct serving students from Kenyon College, some voters were required to wait more than eight hours to vote. "All Eyes on Ohio," Dan Lothian, CNN, November 3, http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/blog/1...blog/index...

We are literally receiving additional reports every minute and will transmit additional information as it comes available. The essence of democracy is the confidence of the electorate in the accuracy of voting methods and the fairness of voting procedures. In 2000, that confidence suffered terribly, and we fear that such a blow to our democracy may have occurred in 2004.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this inquiry.

Sincerely,
John Conyers, Jr., Ranking Member House Judiciary Committee
Jerrold Nadler, Ranking Member Subcommittee on the Constitution
Robert Wexler, Member of Congress

cc Hon. F. James Sensenbrenner Chairman

*Note: Not to suggest that this is an inneffective or inferior method of exercising your rights as an American. Temper tantrums have long been an important part of American democracy. Just think of it as the citizen's version of the filibuster.

How to Win Elections, Influence Others and Generally Piss Off Howard Dean

2004-11-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

As always seems to be the case with this sort of thing, interest has peaked about four months too late. Early last August, Gov. Howard Dean filled in for the host of the CNBC show "Topic A With Tina Brown*." One of his guests on the program was Bev Harris, one of the most outspoken opponents of the little black boxes. If, like me, you hope to one day take part in your American right to highjack an election, do check out the clip, which is available here. The clip will tell you how to how to suppress the will of the American people in record time**, a great party trick, and one of those skills that will no doubt come in handy when you least expect it. Also, you can totally brag to people that you, like totally watch CNBC all the time.

*Note: Despite a good deal of research, we were unable to find out who the usual host of the program is.
** Around a minute and a half, down from a few weeks, back in the old days when votes had to be suppressed by hand. These Diebold machines are the greatest step foward in vote-suppression technology since the invention of hands in 1927. The next step foward is expected later this year when the Ohio-based Diebold unveils it's latest machine Suppression-bot X. Suppression-bot can disillussion urban voters, confuse old Jews and flip vote tallies all at the same time, thereby saving precious suppression time.

Four Years, 96 Tears

2004-11-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

Here's a fun little piece from the AP, finally vocalizing that which has deprived us sleep for the past week, and resulted in inappropriate and awkward crying jags, both of which have made our weekly bible-banning, gay agendizing meetings far less festive than usual. Lord knows how hard it is to murder a baby when you haven't slept in forty-eight hours. The little fuckers just don't stop squirming.

The premise of the article? The president doesn't have to worry about re-election, so he can kind of do whatever the hell he wants. “He’s got political capital,” Fred Greenstein, a political scientist at Princeton (where political science apparently comprises of rehashing the President’s catch phrases) says in the article. The piece draws comparison to Clinton's second-term welfare reform. What it forgets to mention of course, is the fact that this president, unlike the past one, doesn't have to worry about pesky little road blocks like checks and balances, which in term means that, since the Republican party now maintains a vice-like grip on concepts of morality (read: the basis on which all laws are constructed--at least in theory), Bush doesn't have to worry about impeachment, which means that he very well may reinstate the White House's annual blowjob drive.

Among some of the issues that the article hints at are: privatization of social security and the banning of gay marriage, an issue which Bush, Rove and their ilk have flooded to since reelection like Texan high school football players to a circle jerk. These things, one suspects, are only the tip of the big, cold Neo-con iceberg. What kinds of issues is the mainstream media afraid to touch? Here’s a glimpse at what’s coming your way during the Bush Administration: Reloaded:

--Fish and thermometer companies combine forces to successfully lobby the FDA to introduce new daily values for the intake of mercury, which it turns out actually gives the consumer super powers, increased sexual potency and will make them generally more well-liked among their peers.

--New addition to the Constitution, nicknamed the ‘Whoopi Amendment’ by legislators bans the mockery of someone’s last name in a sexual context.

--Anyone who refuses to sign a ‘loyalty oath’ no longer allowed to enter red states, view constitution.

--Baseball call-in section added to the President’s weekly radio address.

--New government agency set up to regulate the content of humorous t-shirts.

--New official American slogan instated, warning the rest of the word not to mess with us.

--Canada bombed sporadically throughout the next four years, just to keep them on their toes.

--Legislation introduced, banning people from naming their pets after, “dumb old kids’ books.”

The Day After The Day After The Day After The Day After The Day The Day

2004-11-07T17:45:00.000-08:00

Being that it’s a full five days after the election, it seems about damn time to begin planning our 2008 picks—or so every single news outlet in the country would have us believe. Never ones to turn down a good media feeding frenzy, we here at The Wake have gotten caught up in the process. It’s fun, it keeps our mind off of the President at hand, and it gives us something to do since our twelve-step program has banned us from betting on the ponies. Assuming that any of us make it through the next four years with our lives and enough motor skills to operate a Diebold touch-screen machine, here our best bets for 2008:

Jamie Foxx in Ray—Granted, we haven’t even seen the film yet, but we’ve got a bad case of Rayfever, and if Foxx’s turn as the title musician is half as good as the critics are saying it is, he’s a shoe-in for the next leader of the free world.

Robert 'El Vez' Lopez—The election may be over, but the hardest working ‘Mexican Elvis’ in show business is still traveling the United States on his “El Vez for Prez Tour.” He’s suave, he’s bilingual, and with the corner that he has on the ever-fickly Latino-rockabilly vote, El Vez just might be riding a mystery train to the white house in 2008.

Ralph Nader--Because of the thirteenth amendment to the Constitution, the little known Good Sport Amendement, a candidate who runs for the office of the president a fifth time is automatically declared the winner, because, in the words of the Constitution, "by the sixth time, it's just sad."

The 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox—‘Cause you know, baseball and shit. Still up in the air whether the team will get the coveted Curt Schilling endorsement.

Ayad Allawi--The Iraqi interim prime minister may be out of a job, come January, but the guy’s got a hell of a reference list on the old resume. Can pronounce middle-eastern names, places.

George Walker Bush—Why change a horse in midstream—ever? What’s the matter, folks? No? I’m beginning to doubt your willful steadfastness.

Lord's Name in Mane

2004-11-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

In a world fueled by bitter divides between religious fundamentalist and extremism on all sides, it's always nice to note when someone is doing their damnedest to bring enemies. Lions and Christians, the bitterest of rivals for thousands of years are one step closer to harmony, thanks to the unwavering efforts of one Taiwanese man. Last Wednesday, the entered the lion's den at the Taipei Zoo, with the most righteous of intentions--he was going to convert the beast to the side of the lord.

While in the den, he shouted two things:

1. "Jesus will save you!" This either a. demonstrated the man's selflessness, b. Jesus's general lack of caring for guys who leap into Taipei lion's dens carrying the Holy Bible, or c. The son of God finally seeing through the long proposed big game hunting section of Heaven. Whether this will push back plans for John the Baptist's waterpark has yet to be announced.

2. "Come bite me!"

As per the man's request, a lion bit him, and thus we move one step closer toward unity. Tigers and bears were unavailable for comment.

...Nevermind

2004-11-07T08:40:00.000-08:00

One suspects that a self-inflicted shotgun blast to the head is perhaps not the best way to go, and though there is a certainly something to be said about 'taking on for the team,' I hasten to point out, that should everyone take one for the team, there won't be much of a team left by the time we're done. Plus, those 72 virgins in heaven aren't much interested in guys missing half of their face. For everyone else, might I suggest a nice homemade sign, and maybe a folk song on an acoutic guitar?

And They've Still Got the Blue Jays

2004-11-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

One expects that the folks in the great white north haven't anticipated this sort of mass migration since the 1983 release of "Strange Brew," the film by SCTV almni Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas. I think it's fairly safe to say that, even twenty-one years later, the film stills shapes the American impression of our neighbors to the north. Add a touch of universal health care to the equation, and hell, who wouldn't want to break for the border for the next four and a half years? Put the top down, pop in an 8-track of Harvest or 2112, and take in an Expos' game while you still have the chance.

Well, it turns out that a whole lot of people are following a similar line of thought these days--around a hundred-thousand a day, in fact. Canada's immigration site reported a record 115,016 American hits on Wednesday, the day after the election was violently ripped from our hands, covered in lighter fluid, lit, deficated upon in order to quell the flames of smoldering democracy and then hung up to dry for another four years. Run for the border if you must, you'll have plenty of company, but Canada's a big country, right? Before you pack up your bags, and migrate, take a moment to consider the following question: who posses a large threat to the goodwill of men? American President George W. Bush, or French-Canadian songstress Celine Dion. Once you have decided on an answer, the choice will be clear.

You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Cry (There's No Crying in Canada)

2004-11-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

Hey kids! Only 75 more days 'til Inauguration Day! Can't you feel the electrocution in the air? Better get that Inauguration shopping done soon, lord knows that the lines at the army surplus stores are going to be around the block in a couple of weeks. I'm getting everyone I know their very own cyanide capsule with their initials engraved on the outside--oh crap, I'm so bad at keeping surprises! Happy early Inauguration Day, and good will toward certain elite segments of the population!

Democracy Eventually!

2004-11-05T20:31:00.000-08:00

Well, the votes have been counted, and the winner...George W. Bush. The last two states, New Mexico and Iowa have been declared in the President's favor. This puts the President at 286 electoral votes.

For those of you still not completely familiar with the electoral college, this means that President Bush is 16 points beyond the 270 needed to win the election, which, in turn means that he is immediately disqualified, and a new election will be held next week between Senator Kerry, and Mr. Bush's next in kin. Since his daughters are twins, Barbara and Jenna will be allowed to run against the Senator either as two seperate beings, or by combining into one super-Voltron-like being, which they invoke by touching hands and shouting the words, "Go First Twins!" together in unison.

If no winner is named after the second round, all of the challengers are put into a cage with a live bear and bull, until a winner is declared.

Go Democracy! Go First Twins!

Irregulating

2004-11-05T14:34:00.000-08:00

What, you didn't see this one coming? It turns out that the South, once a beacon of progressive racial politics*, is now the source of not-so-progressive racial politics. That's right, by the folks who brought Separate But Equal, comes the latest Southern voting drive Leave Out the Vote. People who were upset by the three-fifths law will be glad to know that the American South has readjusted the percentage of African American voters.

*Note:Seperate water fountains means shorter lines for both races! How's that for convenience?

New and Hampshire Make Me Want To Ralph

2004-11-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Nader,

Remember that whole thing about us hating you?

Okay, here's the deal: recount in New Hampshire. I know, I know, why the recount in one of the states that we won right? The idea, apparently is to get the ball rolling on a recount, and hell at this point, we'll take what we can get.

Nader's fax number has been posted here. Make sure you apologize for all of the bad things you said about him. Tell him that you were just kidding, or you were having five bad months, or you were really hoping that he would pick you as a running-mate instead of fucking Camejo.

Our computer specialists are working on ways to fax chocolates and flowers without seriously screwing up your machine. I hear that the man will also accept really large teddy bears and cards with crying clowns.

Let's get the consumer activist activisting again.

Demand A Recount Now

Send a Fax Now to: 202-265-0092

Text should Read:

RALPH --

Challenge the election results in New Hampshire, Now.

Your Name,
Black Box Voting Activist

The (Partisan) Ghost in the Machine

2004-11-05T10:58:00.000-08:00

Well kids, it seems that we've finally entered the twenty-first century. That's right, all of that archiac chad nonsense of the 2000 election is finally a thing of the past. We've finally entered the era of the Electrochad! Where a mere for years ago folks were running around like headless chickens, losing sleeping over hanging chads and missionary chads and dirty sanchez chads, this year's election has nothing of the kind. The electrochad is superfuturistical in that, get this: it can't be counted! That's right, no counting=no stress=a lot more heads for chickens.

An election official just revealed that Bush was given an extra 3,893 votes in a single Ohio precinct. 638 folks cast votes in the Gahanna precinct in a suburban area of Columbus. 260 of those folks voted for Kerry, which means that the other 4,258 people cast votes for Bush. Jeez Kerry, 4,258 to 260? That may be a good showing in France, but here in America, you like totally lost, man.

For those of you whose knowledge of Ohio political history begins and ends with the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song, we now present to you the Best of The Ohio Republican party:

From the Disinfopedia Walden "Wally" O'Dell entry:

"Wally O'Dell, CEO of Diebold [ed: the Ohio-based company that created the e-voting machines] Inc., this week sent out letters to central Ohio Republicans asking them to raise $10,000 in donations in time for a Sept. 26 Ohio Republican Party event at his home."

From Greg Palast's recent article for The Guardian entitled "Kerry Won." The article deals, in part with Ken Blackwell, The Ohio Secretary of State, and proof that supressing the black vote is not just for whites anymore!

"But this week, Blackwell, a rabidly partisan Republican, has warmed up to the result of sticking with machines that have a habit of eating Democratic votes. When asked if he feared being this year's Katherine Harris, Blackwell noted that Ms. Fix-it's efforts landed her a seat in Congress."

This is the same Blackwell, mind you, who originally throw out a good deal of voter registration forms, citing an archaic law which had them outside of the parameters of acceptable paperstock.

One hopes that Bev Harris, the woman behind Black Box Voting.org will be in full-gear in light of the recent super-shenanigans.

From the Department of Really Odd Convenience Store-Related Coincidences Department

2004-11-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

It was brought to my attention about a week ago by a friend* driving through the midwest last week, that 7-11, the Clear Channel of convenience stores (and one also hastens to mention, the purveyor of the Slurpee, Big Gulp and Super Big Gulp) was having a pre-election promotion. The idea was simple, but fairly ingenous: consumers purchasing coffee at 7-11 are given two choices,** they could either purchase a Bush or a Kerry cup, and the folks at corporate headquarters would tally the cups, and periodically release the results as a sort of mock-presidential poll.

The idea was clever, if not too-altogether serious. Obviously what we're dealing with is not a scientific study. This is made obvious by:

a. The fact that it's jokingly called 'Every Cup Counts,' of course a reference to the uncounted Florida votes in 2000's election (and, eerily enough many states in this election as well, which, at the time of publication have yet to be counted), though one supposes that unlike the actual election, every cup was actually counted.

b. It's a tally of fucking coffee cups.

Despite these two facts, something happened: 7-11's result have come closer to final election numbers than just about any other 'scientific' poll. Run to the corner, pick up a nice melted-cheese covered hotdog, and take a moment to let this sink in. Here are a few of the closer races. Spooky.

(All 'real' results gathered from CNN.com)

Final Nationwide Tally:

Real: Bush-51%; Kerry-48%
7-11: Bush-51.08%; Kerry-48.92%

Oregon:

Real: Bush-48%; Kerry-52%
7-11: Bush-48.39%; Kerry-51.61%

Nevada:
Real: Bush-51%; Kerry-48%
7-11: Bush-50.25%; Kerry-49.75%

Florida:
Real: Bush-52%; Kerry-47%
7-11: Bush-51.21%;Kerry-48.79%

Virginia:
Real: Bush-54%; Kerry-45%
7-11: Bush-55.73%; Kerry-44.27%

Pennsylvania:
Real: Bush-49%; Kerry-51%
7-11: Bush-48.44%; Kerry-51.56 %

Maine
Real: Bush-45%; Kerry-53%
7-11: Bush-45.51%; Kerry-54.49%

Also noted: 7-11 apparently doesn't have stores in New Mexico and Iowa, or at least not enough to warrant a cup-poll. What does this mean? Results in this states are not in. Again, I repeat: Spooky. *ahem* Spooooooky.

However, according to the 7-11 exit poll, Ohio went to Kerry by a margin of 53.51% to 46.49 %. Isn't about time we demand a recount?

For more information, or virtual nachos, check 7-11's site.

*Note: For some strange reason, there don't appear to be any 7-11s in the greater New York City area, and though one appreciates the abundance of 'mom & pop' stores, one of my greatest regrets of moving from California has been the general lack of Slurpee and ginormous Gulp-based beverages.
**Note: Yes, it appears that, like the rest of the country, 7-11 elections are based on a two party system, and though I initially heard a rumor about a third party (Green?) cup, the final poll numbers do not register any such factor, which I suppose just proves how startlingly accurate their polling has proven to be. For the future, might we suggest the concept of instant run-off coffee cups.

The Not Completely Fucked-Up Report 11.5.04

2004-11-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

Okay folks, let’s put things into perspective. Not everything is absolutely, completely fucking-super, horrible right now. Now granted all, signs seem to be pointing in that general direction, but while we still have some semblance of-not-completely-fucked-up-ed-ness, let us take a moment to appreciate it. If you have a copy of Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” handy, do roll tape.

Here goes:

--The AP reports that Hepatitis B is down 89% in the US’s children—that, need I remind you is out of a maximum 100%. For those of you who are not the best at math—myself included—the article helps put things into perspective, pointing out, quite astutely that 89 is, "almost 90 percent," which is quite high, when you consider once again that this number is out of a maximum 100%, therefore, since Hepatitis=bad, and less Hepatitis=less bad, 89% less Hepatitis=89% less bad, or 89% not-as-badder. Have a friend draw a pie-graph for you. It makes more sense on paper, trust me.

--Oh, here’s a good one: Sources close to the Bush Cabinet are reporting that Ashcroft may be stepping down! That’s right, and though the Patriot Act will most likely continue to be in effect, America will once again be able to see the lovely Lady Justice's sweet, sweet naked statue-booby. Also, look for Ashcroft new record, This Eagle's Still Soaring, Yo to drop next March. The former Attorney General’s songwriting skills will be in the very capable hands of the Dust Brothers, who word has it are also producing the new Beck album. No word yet on a collaboration between the two artists. Demo available here. It's still pretty rough, but if you imagine a drum-track, like 'boom-boom-snick-boom,' and you pretty much get the idea.

--Free video games!

--Unlike an increasingly large number of Americans, this guy still has a job, and fortunately for eager E! reports, he still hasn't touched that beautiful hair.

--Did I mention these free video games?

--Um...Star Wars!

--Also, Hobbits. Hobbits recently, too.

--And finally, let us not forget the words of Michael Moore, who, it turn out, had the same idea as me, the same time as me (and Mr. Moore has won an Oscar, so it's probably best to listen to him anyway): "It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again."

Well, that’s about all of the not-terrible new news for now, so until the next time some not-so-completely-fucked-up-ness comes our way, remember, freedom may be slavery, but none of that matters, because we got free video games!

As for the bad news: theories that the fall of the Roman Empire was a due to a inferior cosmetics, have sadly been debunked, so those looking for salvation in Mary Kaye will have to turn their focus elsewhere. Might I recommend these free video games?

This Wild World: The Case Against Yusef Islam

2004-11-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

Steven Demetre Georgiou was born in London, England in 1947 to a Greek father and Swedish mother. In 1975, he described his childhood as, ‘lonely.’ Since then, Georgiou has undergone three separate name changes, the latest occurring in 1977, when, upon converting to the Islamic faith, he changed his name to Yusuf Islam. Yusuf Islam is a quiet man, with unkempt hair and a long, dark beard. Yusuf Islam is a terrorist.

On Tuesday, September 21, 2004, American Airlines flight 919, a London flight bound for Washington D.C., was diverted, landing in Maine. Yusuf Islam was aboard the flight. The name Yusuf Islam was on a no-fly list. Yusuf Islam is a terrorist. Earlier in the year the no-fly list helped to apprehend another suspected terrorist. His name was Edward ‘Ted’ Kennedy. They let ‘Ted’ free soon after, allowing him to board a plane. They’re not going to make that mistake again. Islam’s excursion to New England was rerouted to Olde England two days later.

Yusuf Islam is a folk singer. People used to call him ‘Cat.’ As Cat, he wrote some famous songs. In one famous song he sang, ‘Ooh baby, baby it’s a wild world.’ In another one he sang, ‘Peace train's a holy roller / Everyone jump upon the peace train.’ On September 18th, 2001, as Islam, he wrote the words, ‘the word Islam itself comes from ‘Salam’ or ‘Peace.’ It is a faith far away from the violence, destruction and terrorism we have seen in recent days.’ Yusuf Islam is a terrorist.

Despite the fact that the word ‘terrorist’ wasn’t actually coined until fairly recently (the first print appearance of the word occurred on the morning of September 12, 2001), America has a long, proud history of defending it’s own security against the threat of British entertainers.

Charles Spencer Chaplin was also a London native. He was born in the Walworth section of the city on April 16, 1889, four days before Nazi dictator Adolph Hitler. Though Chaplin wasn’t famous for speaking, when he did, he was oft overheard sympathizing with Communists. He was a famous movie star. He changed his name to ‘Charlie.’ In 1957, Chaplin made his directorial debut with a talkie called, A King of New York, a very vocally anti-American as Wisconsin Senator Investigated Hollywood’s Communist sympathies. His House Committee on Un-American Activities kept a close eye on Chaplin, as did J. Edgar Hoover. Hoover was the director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations. The FBI has on file a 2,063 page file on the British actor.

Once Chaplin said, ‘I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.’ Upon leaving the United States, Chaplin received a telegram from the US State Department prohibiting Chaplin to reenter the country. Charlie Chaplin was a Communist. Communist is an old word from the middle of the last century that means terrorist.

Between 1971-1972, the Federal Bureau of Investigation assembled 300 pages on British rock and roll singer John Lennon. John Lennon was a singer in a band called from Liverpool, England called the Beatles. The Beatles became popular in America during what was called ‘the British Invasion.’ One of their main American opponents was a band called Paul Revere and the Raiders. Paul Revere and the Raiders were named after an American patriot who fought off British imperialism during the American Revolutionary war. President Nixon attempted to have Lennon deported because of his position on America’s war in Vietnam. The war in Vietnam was a war on communism. In 1969, Lennon released a song called “Give Peace a Chance.” As Yusuf Islam noted above, the word ‘peace’ translates into ‘Islam.’ John Lennon was a communist and a terrorist.

Though he hasn’t been releasing much music lately, Islam has come out against such American-led initiatives as the liberatiosn of Iraq and Serbia. Islam recently wrote, ‘Crimes against innocent bystanders taken hostage in any circumstance have no foundation whatsoever in the life of Islam and the model example of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him.’ His brother and business manager, David Gordon stated, ‘[Islam] just wants to be an ambassador peace.’ We all know what that means.

Seriously Bro, Read "The Bible Code." It's All in There.

2004-11-04T23:06:00.000-08:00

For those who doubted that Yasser Arafat is the second coming, what with the role he has played in the creation of a Jewish state and all, you can now lay such cynicism to rest. Unlike your man Jesus who waited three days to come back, the Palestinian leader was gone for about twenty minutes. Don't believe the right-wing lies that tell you that rumors of his death were blown out of preportion, Twain-style. Look for the Prime Minister to begin yielding a flame sword as part of God's grand scheme to confuse the hell out of anyone who believes anything.

News on the rapture is here

Also, for anyone who doubted that former-Senator John Edwards (that's right, Edwards stepped down, unlike Kerry) is having a really shitty week, check here.

Concession Stand

2004-11-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

Hey Kids,

For all of you who didn't get a chance to listen to Kerry's concession speech, I took a second to transcribe it. Enjoy.

Brian.

Seriously, man? Fuck.

Christ America, I mean Jesus. Okay, well—I mean seriously? Fuck, fuckin’ fuck. Fuuuuuuuh-uuuuuuuuuuh-uuuck. Okay, you know what? Whatever? Welcome to some serious fucking Orwellian-shit. Oh yeah, I forget, you don’t read. You’re America. Welcome to some serious Survivor-shit, I guess.

I mean fuck, America. Seriously. You just royally fucked yourself. Good luck. I mean I’m going to survive. I was in fucking ‘Nam. I’ve looked a man in the eye, and shot him in the face, and now thanks to your once and future king George, assault weapons are now readily available, so you better watch your backs, man. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

We’re not going to do a recount, but I can’t promise there won’t be a body count…Okay, sorry. That was uncalled for. I’m not actually going to kill anybody. Shit, I mean what would the point be anyway, I mean that would be all like euthanasia anyway, cause y’alls fucked, and I mean fuh-ucked. I don’t know, maybe I’ll go to France. They like me over there, not like you fuckin’ Travis Tritt listenin’ fuckers over here.

Shit man, when I was campaigning in Ohio, and saw this bumper sticker that said, ‘Kerry For President of France,’ and I thought to myself, ‘yeah, man, maybe I will run for the president of France.’ That way I’ll be able to outsource some serious whoopass to you NASCAR watchin’ motherfuckers.

Not you, Edwards, you’re cool, Dean, you’re cool, Obama, fuck yeah man. You know we tight. Fuckin’ brothers from different mothers, yo. You showed their honky asses, and what was all of that ‘selfish hedonist’ shit, anyway, huh? Theresa, baby, I may not be home for a few days. Dash’ and me are goin to a bar back in ‘chusetts where everybody knows my name. To everyone else, I hope you got some accessories that go with camoflauge, ‘cause y’all gonna be wearing that shit soon. Peace out, suckers. Seriously, peace-out.

Fair and Malaced or The Mission Statement, Should You Choose to Accept it

2004-11-04T23:00:00.000-08:00

Welcome dear friends to the next four years of the rest of your life. I know it looks bad, but fear not, the world is getting exactly what it need: one more angry asshole with blogging capabilities.

We may not change the world here, but hopefully we will be able to generate vaguely-annoying, quasi-political copy for you to forward to coworkers until the man with the big, white beard thrusts open the pearly gates, and brings the neo-cons home (with the noted exception of Wolfowitz and his crew who should be returning to Israel any day now*).

Two days ago, we lost the most important election of our lifetimes (thus far). We fought our hardest and lost, and the enemy wears a smirk. We've got four years of hangover to look foward to, but we musn't roll over. I don't know about you, but I'm going to blog until my eyes bleed. The storm just ended, and now we must brace for it's wake.

This blog is the result of a single posting on my personal blog, which drew 700 visitors in one day, is now hanging up in dorm rooms across the country, and apparently inspired one woman to take a drama class so that she can perform it as a monologue (which, goes to show you that people will do just about anything to say 'fuck' a lot in front of a large group of people). So, in the tradition of milking things for all they're worth, I present to you my transcription of John F. Kerry's concession speech, the faux-concession that started the revolution (and of course by revolution, I mean this blog, which is a bit like the French Revolution, except instead of French it's American, and instead of a Revolution it's a un-professional weblog, and like, instead of the Bastille, we're storming...I don't know, like your mind, or something--I haven't really worked this out. I'll let you know when I do):

*Note: The author is Jewish, so he's like totally allowed to joke about it.